Wednesday, December 06, 2006
Revenge of the Werds
The doctor is back after an agonizing internets-less stint. Following a quality chat with Diane in Mexico City, the problem is half-resolved and I'm back on the grid for more bitchery.
After a week like this, I'll need to revisit the tried and true favorite of my ridicule: the Professor. He's back in action in rare form with the second-cousin to English, and I have some jewels to share:
Appraised
This is a real word, you say to yourself. Well, yes, I know that, and so does he, apparently - it simply means something different when it flops from his mouth. In Profish, it means "apprised." For example, "Keep me appraised of the situation [developments/updates/etc.]." Cuz I guaran-fuckin-tee he's not asking that I assign him with a value.
Recognaissance
While this may be oneof the most brilliant mergers to hit the English market since the contraction "y'all," it is certainly not to be found in, on, or near a Webster-Merriam. This combines the fundaments of military intelligence with the basis of pyschology into one very special bubbling cauldron of business babble. Gold star.
Periodicity
I have no fucking idea what this means. I even heard it in context and don't know. The relief came when a colleague turned and said, "Did you just say say 'periodicity'?"
Augmentationally
A hexasyllabic mishap. All I understood was the intention "to expand, increase, boost." In doubt, I search for the root. One does what one can.
Activacious
I presume this means "with fervor." It came to me as "we need to take an activatious approach." In any event, a) that seems to be the case, and b) I might question the word "need" in this instance.
More to come, methinks, but couldn't let another day/memory slot go without making these fine specimen known. For next week, copy down these definit-at-ions three times and us-ilat-e in a sentence. Exam-inatory on Thursday. Class dismiss-osit-ed.
For previous smeebery, check it out:
http://www.razzy.org/RazzyBlog/archive/2006_10_01_archive.html
10/24 "Allow me to introduce myself"
After a week like this, I'll need to revisit the tried and true favorite of my ridicule: the Professor. He's back in action in rare form with the second-cousin to English, and I have some jewels to share:
Appraised
This is a real word, you say to yourself. Well, yes, I know that, and so does he, apparently - it simply means something different when it flops from his mouth. In Profish, it means "apprised." For example, "Keep me appraised of the situation [developments/updates/etc.]." Cuz I guaran-fuckin-tee he's not asking that I assign him with a value.
Recognaissance
While this may be oneof the most brilliant mergers to hit the English market since the contraction "y'all," it is certainly not to be found in, on, or near a Webster-Merriam. This combines the fundaments of military intelligence with the basis of pyschology into one very special bubbling cauldron of business babble. Gold star.
Periodicity
I have no fucking idea what this means. I even heard it in context and don't know. The relief came when a colleague turned and said, "Did you just say say 'periodicity'?"
Augmentationally
A hexasyllabic mishap. All I understood was the intention "to expand, increase, boost." In doubt, I search for the root. One does what one can.
Activacious
I presume this means "with fervor." It came to me as "we need to take an activatious approach." In any event, a) that seems to be the case, and b) I might question the word "need" in this instance.
More to come, methinks, but couldn't let another day/memory slot go without making these fine specimen known. For next week, copy down these definit-at-ions three times and us-ilat-e in a sentence. Exam-inatory on Thursday. Class dismiss-osit-ed.
For previous smeebery, check it out:
http://www.razzy.org/RazzyBlog/archive/2006_10_01_archive.html
10/24 "Allow me to introduce myself"
Labels: Hunter S. Thompson fetish, Smeeberish
Saturday, November 25, 2006
I wanna bone Johnny Depp
Brothers and Sisters, let me say it again to testify: I wanna bone Johnny Depp.
I am positively nuts about this summumabitch. This is one of those psychoanalytical, pre-cognition obsessions. I've had a mean one for this guy since the earliest days of his career. I am no fan of horror flicks, but when Nightmare on Elm Street hit HBO at my childhood friend Tanning Bed's house, I watched with rapt attention as the evil Freddy sucked my young playboy's face off. I was in love. I watched ever single 21 Jumpstreet episode, every week on Sunday nights at 7. I saw Cry Baby in the theater, and snipped out the Big Bopper pics for my bedroom wall. Edward Scissorhands too, and I cried, and then I bought the VHS as soon as I was old enough to muscle in time at the VCR.
I even saw Nick of Time and Secret Window, the bastard, red-headed stepchildren of his interim career because I want him so baaaaaaad.
Sure, he's smoking hot, everyone knows that. But lots of people are that hot. The thing that makes this boy the only living guy I would call my boyfriend is that he's not only hot, he's totally rad. My grade school self was enraptured by his hotness proper. But Christian Slater didn't make the cut, nor did Ethan Hawke, because they are douches. Johnny Depp is the kang, and lemme tell you why:
Hunter Thompson. Not only can JD play Thompson [nd upcoming play one of his semi-autobiographical fictitious characters Paul Kemp] - but Thompson gave him the works. When they met and discussed the possibility of making a film out of Fear and Loathing, ole Hunter hauled his fellow Southerner to the ranch to set up some propane tanks and spend the evening exploding them with shotguns. When it came time for the movie to be shot, Thompson did Depp's hair himself using a mining helmet, complete with to-the-tee bald spot, and lent him his 1970s issue jacket. It takes a great deal to obtain that level of endorsement, especially from a crotchety durg-addled genius degenerate like HST.Keith Richards. This man cannot be beat for inspirato.
Tattoos. I steal a great joke from my pal Red - he can laser that "Winona Forever" tat to read "Wino Forever" and be in fine shape. And anyway, pass the bottle. And a ciggy while you're at it.
Freaks, Geeks and Weirdos. The softspots in Depp's career come when he tries to play someone totally normal. He takes the piss out of odd characters that would prove the insufficient mettle of most talent. Edward Scissorhands is weird. Benny & Joon is weird. From Hell is weird.
He's at his best as an opiate fiend, an aberration of science, a Queer as Fuck director, an insane candyman. Even Gilbert Grape was a nut by association. Be it wreckified greaser or metal-fingered freaks, semi-gothic-but-not-annoying swashbucklers and nutjobs, he's cornered the market in dark and eccentric. And you guessed it, he's hot the whole time.Kentucky. Bourbon. Guns. Colorful charcters. Mountains & horses and shit. I eat it up. And anyway, see last four thousand posts, I'm tired of Yankees.
Hairless. No need to say more.
So if you ever meet this man, do me a favor and tell him he can c-c-c-c-c-awl me anytime, any place. And to bring his hot wife to sweeten the deal for us all. Amen.
Labels: hot dudes, Hunter S. Thompson fetish, Johnny Depp, perversion, sex
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Allow me introduce myself...
It's FalloniusMonk in the house, ham bones, here to bring the funk. For the noise, you gotta hunt me down.
First off - a what up and a thank you to the Good Doctor for having me here tonight. Nowhere else I'd rather kvetch.
Now let's start this up with an exploration of my favorite new and old form of communication, a staple of drunkards and dip-shits everywhere: Smeeberish.
Smeeberish, thus dubbed by my Cali-based broham Chris "the City of" Compton, is the art of almost-English. The art of better-luck-next-time speaking.
It requires a special mind to speak it and an even more special mind not to fucking notice when people look at you like an asshole. The world is supersized when it skips the filter between his mind and his mouth - if it a word has two syllables, he upgrades to three or four. Four syllables, inflation takes it to five - so on and on, until you hear it come at you like German, and alls you can say at the end of the sentence is, "Can you repeat the question?"
Today's Smeeberish award goes to a kid we'll call the Professor. To sir with love.
Quotes first:
"They have beefs with us."
"The challenge for me is very challenging."
"If you want good sausage, you have to put in good meat."
"I feel convicted about this."
"I'm in the process of jettissing."
And now for high quality Smeebish nuggets:
'Anomany' for anomaly' - ie "It's almost an anomany." Yes. Almost.
'Ancilliary' for ancillary - Next to correct, at least
'Uniformimity' for uniformity - uh....
'Explorate' for explore - A line of demarcation, indeed.
'Expectorate' for expect - Exactly.
And my favorite: Ec Cetera. Oh yes. So on and on....
Hope that elucidates - rather, eluciditates. As a great man once said, "You better believe it. Cuz it's fucking happening."
In our next episode, I find out the details of his SAT verbal breakdown.
First off - a what up and a thank you to the Good Doctor for having me here tonight. Nowhere else I'd rather kvetch.
Now let's start this up with an exploration of my favorite new and old form of communication, a staple of drunkards and dip-shits everywhere: Smeeberish.
Smeeberish, thus dubbed by my Cali-based broham Chris "the City of" Compton, is the art of almost-English. The art of better-luck-next-time speaking.
It requires a special mind to speak it and an even more special mind not to fucking notice when people look at you like an asshole. The world is supersized when it skips the filter between his mind and his mouth - if it a word has two syllables, he upgrades to three or four. Four syllables, inflation takes it to five - so on and on, until you hear it come at you like German, and alls you can say at the end of the sentence is, "Can you repeat the question?"
Today's Smeeberish award goes to a kid we'll call the Professor. To sir with love.
Quotes first:
"They have beefs with us."
"The challenge for me is very challenging."
"If you want good sausage, you have to put in good meat."
"I feel convicted about this."
"I'm in the process of jettissing."
And now for high quality Smeebish nuggets:
'Anomany' for anomaly' - ie "It's almost an anomany." Yes. Almost.
'Ancilliary' for ancillary - Next to correct, at least
'Uniformimity' for uniformity - uh....
'Explorate' for explore - A line of demarcation, indeed.
'Expectorate' for expect - Exactly.
And my favorite: Ec Cetera. Oh yes. So on and on....
Hope that elucidates - rather, eluciditates. As a great man once said, "You better believe it. Cuz it's fucking happening."
In our next episode, I find out the details of his SAT verbal breakdown.
Labels: grammar gestapo, Hunter S. Thompson fetish, Smeeberish
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