Thursday, January 18, 2007
Gay's Shitnatomy
Every time I spend a Saturday kicking it with my buddies Rack and JerseyGirl watching "Beverly Hills, 90210", invariably the subject of other TV shows will come up. Without fail, a conversation along the lines of "I LOVE 'Grey's Anatomy'! It's my favorite show and I never miss it! Who do you think that slut Meredith Grey will bone this week?"
I usually respond by rolling my eyes and making some choice comment about the myriad things I hate about "Grey's Anatomy." It's like a chick flick set in a surgery ward, and there's a lot of detestable qualities to choose from.
First, I generally hate hospital shows, and I generally hate shows about self-involved retards who spend 99% of their time talking about their relationships. "Grey's Anatomy" is guilty on both counts. "Nip/Tuck", the only medical show I like, is mainly about perverts and over-the-top weirdness, not a lot of pompous dipshits who blabber on officiously about saving lives in between having implied sex with each other and gossiping about it like a bunch of seventh grade girls. On any given episode of "Nip/Tuck", Sean will hallucinate and have self-loathing sex with either a porn star or a lunatic nanny, Christian will be anally raped and cope by banging two female family members at the same time, Matt will become either a Nazi or a Scientologist and possibly have a threesome with lesbian cheerleaders, Julia will throw stuff, Annie will go crazy and cut up all her dolls, Kimber will have kinky multi-positional sex with any other member of the cast, Liz will have some hilarious tete-a-tete with Christian about the sex toys she prefers and teach a patient how to masturbate, organ harvesting gangsters and/or Colombian drug lords will wreak havoc, and they might get around to doing a tit job or repairing a botched sex change. On any given episode of "Grey's Anatomy", the characters will all sit around processing, drinking coffee, bicker about their sex lives because they're all supposedly having boring missionary position sex with each other, read Seattle magazine, process some more, do some sort of bizarre yet bloodless surgery, and then congratulate each other for saving lives. Jesus, it's not even a contest...which show you rather watch?
Second, I take issue with the assertion that the dialogue on "Grey's Anatomy" is hilarious and witty. From what I've observed, this deft scriptwriting is primarily comprised of the bitches (and their fag tag-alongs) on the show nicknaming Patrick Dempsey's character "Dr. McDreamy" and Eric Dane's character "Dr. McSteamy." If I were a patient at Seattle Grace Hospital (which people needing surgery everywhere thank Christ is a fictional institution), I would not want these fucktards getting anywhere near me with their lame jokes or a scalpel, since they seem to spend far more time crafting the former than actually doing any surgery at all. Most of the time, the surgeons on this show are dicking around in the break room or at the bar, and when they do any medicine at all, it usually involves playing Scrabble with their patients and then killing them by accident. When they kill someone, they get a slap on the wrist, the other surgeons make up a pejorative nickname for them, and they're back scrubbing in by the next episode. The malpractice premiums at Seattle Grace must be astronomically high.
Fans of the show also think the characters are very deep and are bringing unique issues to the forefront of social consciousness, like the lead character's mother, a formerly successful surgeon and negligent adulterous whore of a parent, who now is in a home because she has Alzheimer's. I was unaware that parents, much less parents who are doctors, could actually get terminal, debilitating illnesses themselves, so thanks, "Grey's Anatomy," for opening my eyes to this stark reality. Also, there are...(gasp)...interracial relationships on the show! The main black dude is boning that Asian chick who was in Sideways, the short gay dude was boning the fat Latina orthopedist, but they apparently broke up, and way back when, Dr. Alzheimer was doing the married black chief of surgery. He's struggling with the fact that he still wants to do her even though she can't remember who he is half the time. That's SO groundbreaking. I didn't know that people of different ethnic backgrounds could fuck each other or have actual relationships with each other. Oh wait, yes I did...I just forgot about my entire sexual history for a second.
My biggest problem with the show, however, is that all the characters are supposed to be attractive. There are the dueling head-old guys-in-charge, Drs. McDreamy and McSteamy.
How did everyone forget that McDreamy is PATRICK DEMPSEY? Since when was he "dreamy" in any way, except when making an appearance in a strange nicotine patch-induced nightmare? His past acting roles have involved him playing a male prostitute/pizza delivery man who porked Kirstie Alley for free and a monkey-loving vagrant who died of Ebola. Putting him in a pair of scrubs and telling us all he's a neurosurgeon now that he's old does not make him hot. McSteamy, meanwhile, is sort-of hot if you squint at him from the right angle in dim light and if you're into guys who were either silent movie villains or the Count of Monte Cristo in their former lives. Take off his lab coat, wax up the ends of his mustache, and dress him in a cape and plumed hat and he'd be right at home either cackling while tying some helpless maiden to a railroad track or brandishing a rapier with a practiced flourish and a shout of "en garde!"
As far as the women go, they are even more of a shitshow, starting with the lead chick, Meredith Grey, who is played by the anorexic fifty-year-old Ellen Pompeo. If you have ever wondered why airbrushing is necessary for some women in addition to makeup, Ellen Pompeo is the case in point. On the left, you see Ellen in character, with a smooth, unlined face courtesy of Adobe Photoshop. On the right, you can see that applying approximately three bottles of foundation can only do so much to disguise the fact that her chin looks like the Western front from World War I thanks to the ravages of time. I guess her chest learned its lesson from the first World War on her face, because the Maginot Line is where her sternum should be. NOT HOT.
Then there are the lesser characters:
The ugly black guy, who cleverly distracts people from his ugliness by wearing the most hideous patterned surgical do-rags in the history of medicine.
Sandra Oh (No, You are Not Hot), who has now replaced Celine Dion in my standard "(Insert horse-faced celebrity name here) walked into a bar, bartender says 'Why the long face?'" joke. Color me totally unsurprised that her character supposedly went to Fugly Bitch U, aka Smith College.
The guy who would be kind-of hot if he weren't obviously three feet tall. His face isn't bad looking, but my innate sense of astute penis size prediction is screaming "PENCIL DICK ALERT!".
The post-op transsexual who, ironically, plays a doctor specializing in women's reproductive organ surgeries.
T.R. Knight, the guy who looks like he's twelve and whose charm is being a simpering pussy crybaby and "one of the girls" all the time.
The fat, ugly, insufferable know-it-all chick who bosses everyone around because she secretly loves them like a mother. She's the type who, if she babysat you when you were little, would force you to eat shit you didn't like and then make you thank her for looking out for your best interest. I totally love watching people like that in action almost as much as I like them telling me what to do.
The fat chick who they always show from the tits up, to make it seem like she just has big boobs instead of being generally obese.
Note that I didn't call out the one member of the cast who is actually attractive and who I would consider a viable option for some type of sexual activity. Katherine Heigl, late of "Roswell" and a variety of SciFi original movies about killer mutant insects, is indeed hot, and is rocking a pretty bangin' body to boot.
Unfortunately, Katherine Heigl is a pain in the ass in real life, as is most of the rest of the "Grey's Anatomy" cast. For those of you not addicted to internet gossip website, the big to-do as of late has been the fact that Isaiah Washington (ugly black guy) called T.R. Knight (simpering pussy) a "faggot" while he was having a girl-fight with Patrick Dempsey on set last October. At some Golden Globes press conference, a reporter asked about this, and Washington responded with "I didn't call T.R. a faggot," because he's a dumbass and a backpedaling pussy who can't stand by his name-calling. Then Katherine Heigl got all Smith girl on his ass and started saying shit like "I'm so not okay with that, that's so wrong!" or something similarly pointless to the assembled reporters. Way to celebrate that Golden Globe win, guys! Then, T.R. Knight, who is gay in real life (and was essentially forced out of the closet when Washington called him a faggot last fall), went on Ellen Degeneres's show and outright called Washington a liar, then wove a boring tale of personal triumph over adversity related to being called a faggot for the first time ever. That was the first time anyone called him a faggot? He should consider himself fortunate; many other gay people don't wait until being successfully employed on a hit TV show before ending up on the wrong end of a homophobic slur.
Don't get me wrong, because I'm not promoting co-workers routinely calling each other faggots in a derogatory way, but who gives a rat's ass? I don't care who T.R. Knight is fucking so long as it's not me, and it's irrelevant whether or not he's a cocksmoking butt pirate. The last thing I want to see on my celebrity gossip pages is a debate about this word and whether it's okay to use it affectionately (ie: "let's go dancing, you silly, fabulous little fag") when people are using it in the threatening drunken frat boy context (ie: "I'll beat your ass, you fuckin' faggot.") Perez Hilton, who routinely declares things "fagulous", outs people (ie: Lance Bass) constantly, and calls everyone under the sun "fags", has already cried for Isaiah Washington's ouster from the cast of "Grey's Anatomy." I'm not down with homophobia, and I think that all my friends hitting the same-sex tip (and myself, on occasion) should get to do so without having to suffer hateful attacks, but this "oh, that's SO wrong" type of debate is pointless and annoying. It doesn't do anything to change the minds of people who use the term in a demeaning way (and trust me, I have MANY relatives who do so, and halfassed media disapproval of some Hollywood asshole isn't going to change their minds or stop them from doing so), and it only enhances the bullshit climate of political correctness that is pervasive in our society. Even worse, it causes the larger issues (harassment and hatred of gay people) to get lost in a nebulous debate about semantics. I don't think Isaiah Washington or anyone else should get any sort of sympathy or respect for being a slur-slinging dickhead, but I don't need to hear Katherine Heigl or anyone else at a Golden Globes press conference acting like a self-righteous victim's studies major in a Smith College gender politics class telling us about her personal reasons for finding something offensive in a "like, oh my God, that makes me feel so mad because I totally know gay people and this, like, hurts their feelings and I'm a really good friend so it hurts my feelings too. Let's talk about feelings some more, because that's like, totally SUCH a productive means of finding solutions to larger social problems." Go back to being ridiculous fake TV doctors and SHUT THE FUCK UP, you morons!
So, if there weren't enough reasons to hate "Grey's Anatomy" based on the content of the actual show, now there is empirical evidence that most of the cast, gay or straight, are idiotic tools in real life. I guess that makes them more believable as the equally stupid characters they play, which is why they won the Golden Globe for "Best Shitty TV Show that Every Chick on the Planet Except Me Watches" or whatever. I never thought I would hearken fondly back to the days when the shiteous "CSI" was the most-watched show on television, but it just goes to show that you should never say never. Or faggot.
I usually respond by rolling my eyes and making some choice comment about the myriad things I hate about "Grey's Anatomy." It's like a chick flick set in a surgery ward, and there's a lot of detestable qualities to choose from.
First, I generally hate hospital shows, and I generally hate shows about self-involved retards who spend 99% of their time talking about their relationships. "Grey's Anatomy" is guilty on both counts. "Nip/Tuck", the only medical show I like, is mainly about perverts and over-the-top weirdness, not a lot of pompous dipshits who blabber on officiously about saving lives in between having implied sex with each other and gossiping about it like a bunch of seventh grade girls. On any given episode of "Nip/Tuck", Sean will hallucinate and have self-loathing sex with either a porn star or a lunatic nanny, Christian will be anally raped and cope by banging two female family members at the same time, Matt will become either a Nazi or a Scientologist and possibly have a threesome with lesbian cheerleaders, Julia will throw stuff, Annie will go crazy and cut up all her dolls, Kimber will have kinky multi-positional sex with any other member of the cast, Liz will have some hilarious tete-a-tete with Christian about the sex toys she prefers and teach a patient how to masturbate, organ harvesting gangsters and/or Colombian drug lords will wreak havoc, and they might get around to doing a tit job or repairing a botched sex change. On any given episode of "Grey's Anatomy", the characters will all sit around processing, drinking coffee, bicker about their sex lives because they're all supposedly having boring missionary position sex with each other, read Seattle magazine, process some more, do some sort of bizarre yet bloodless surgery, and then congratulate each other for saving lives. Jesus, it's not even a contest...which show you rather watch?
Second, I take issue with the assertion that the dialogue on "Grey's Anatomy" is hilarious and witty. From what I've observed, this deft scriptwriting is primarily comprised of the bitches (and their fag tag-alongs) on the show nicknaming Patrick Dempsey's character "Dr. McDreamy" and Eric Dane's character "Dr. McSteamy." If I were a patient at Seattle Grace Hospital (which people needing surgery everywhere thank Christ is a fictional institution), I would not want these fucktards getting anywhere near me with their lame jokes or a scalpel, since they seem to spend far more time crafting the former than actually doing any surgery at all. Most of the time, the surgeons on this show are dicking around in the break room or at the bar, and when they do any medicine at all, it usually involves playing Scrabble with their patients and then killing them by accident. When they kill someone, they get a slap on the wrist, the other surgeons make up a pejorative nickname for them, and they're back scrubbing in by the next episode. The malpractice premiums at Seattle Grace must be astronomically high.
Fans of the show also think the characters are very deep and are bringing unique issues to the forefront of social consciousness, like the lead character's mother, a formerly successful surgeon and negligent adulterous whore of a parent, who now is in a home because she has Alzheimer's. I was unaware that parents, much less parents who are doctors, could actually get terminal, debilitating illnesses themselves, so thanks, "Grey's Anatomy," for opening my eyes to this stark reality. Also, there are...(gasp)...interracial relationships on the show! The main black dude is boning that Asian chick who was in Sideways, the short gay dude was boning the fat Latina orthopedist, but they apparently broke up, and way back when, Dr. Alzheimer was doing the married black chief of surgery. He's struggling with the fact that he still wants to do her even though she can't remember who he is half the time. That's SO groundbreaking. I didn't know that people of different ethnic backgrounds could fuck each other or have actual relationships with each other. Oh wait, yes I did...I just forgot about my entire sexual history for a second.
My biggest problem with the show, however, is that all the characters are supposed to be attractive. There are the dueling head-old guys-in-charge, Drs. McDreamy and McSteamy.
How did everyone forget that McDreamy is PATRICK DEMPSEY? Since when was he "dreamy" in any way, except when making an appearance in a strange nicotine patch-induced nightmare? His past acting roles have involved him playing a male prostitute/pizza delivery man who porked Kirstie Alley for free and a monkey-loving vagrant who died of Ebola. Putting him in a pair of scrubs and telling us all he's a neurosurgeon now that he's old does not make him hot. McSteamy, meanwhile, is sort-of hot if you squint at him from the right angle in dim light and if you're into guys who were either silent movie villains or the Count of Monte Cristo in their former lives. Take off his lab coat, wax up the ends of his mustache, and dress him in a cape and plumed hat and he'd be right at home either cackling while tying some helpless maiden to a railroad track or brandishing a rapier with a practiced flourish and a shout of "en garde!"
As far as the women go, they are even more of a shitshow, starting with the lead chick, Meredith Grey, who is played by the anorexic fifty-year-old Ellen Pompeo. If you have ever wondered why airbrushing is necessary for some women in addition to makeup, Ellen Pompeo is the case in point. On the left, you see Ellen in character, with a smooth, unlined face courtesy of Adobe Photoshop. On the right, you can see that applying approximately three bottles of foundation can only do so much to disguise the fact that her chin looks like the Western front from World War I thanks to the ravages of time. I guess her chest learned its lesson from the first World War on her face, because the Maginot Line is where her sternum should be. NOT HOT.
Then there are the lesser characters:
The ugly black guy, who cleverly distracts people from his ugliness by wearing the most hideous patterned surgical do-rags in the history of medicine.
Sandra Oh (No, You are Not Hot), who has now replaced Celine Dion in my standard "(Insert horse-faced celebrity name here) walked into a bar, bartender says 'Why the long face?'" joke. Color me totally unsurprised that her character supposedly went to Fugly Bitch U, aka Smith College.
The guy who would be kind-of hot if he weren't obviously three feet tall. His face isn't bad looking, but my innate sense of astute penis size prediction is screaming "PENCIL DICK ALERT!".
The post-op transsexual who, ironically, plays a doctor specializing in women's reproductive organ surgeries.
T.R. Knight, the guy who looks like he's twelve and whose charm is being a simpering pussy crybaby and "one of the girls" all the time.
The fat, ugly, insufferable know-it-all chick who bosses everyone around because she secretly loves them like a mother. She's the type who, if she babysat you when you were little, would force you to eat shit you didn't like and then make you thank her for looking out for your best interest. I totally love watching people like that in action almost as much as I like them telling me what to do.
The fat chick who they always show from the tits up, to make it seem like she just has big boobs instead of being generally obese.
Note that I didn't call out the one member of the cast who is actually attractive and who I would consider a viable option for some type of sexual activity. Katherine Heigl, late of "Roswell" and a variety of SciFi original movies about killer mutant insects, is indeed hot, and is rocking a pretty bangin' body to boot.
Unfortunately, Katherine Heigl is a pain in the ass in real life, as is most of the rest of the "Grey's Anatomy" cast. For those of you not addicted to internet gossip website, the big to-do as of late has been the fact that Isaiah Washington (ugly black guy) called T.R. Knight (simpering pussy) a "faggot" while he was having a girl-fight with Patrick Dempsey on set last October. At some Golden Globes press conference, a reporter asked about this, and Washington responded with "I didn't call T.R. a faggot," because he's a dumbass and a backpedaling pussy who can't stand by his name-calling. Then Katherine Heigl got all Smith girl on his ass and started saying shit like "I'm so not okay with that, that's so wrong!" or something similarly pointless to the assembled reporters. Way to celebrate that Golden Globe win, guys! Then, T.R. Knight, who is gay in real life (and was essentially forced out of the closet when Washington called him a faggot last fall), went on Ellen Degeneres's show and outright called Washington a liar, then wove a boring tale of personal triumph over adversity related to being called a faggot for the first time ever. That was the first time anyone called him a faggot? He should consider himself fortunate; many other gay people don't wait until being successfully employed on a hit TV show before ending up on the wrong end of a homophobic slur.
Don't get me wrong, because I'm not promoting co-workers routinely calling each other faggots in a derogatory way, but who gives a rat's ass? I don't care who T.R. Knight is fucking so long as it's not me, and it's irrelevant whether or not he's a cocksmoking butt pirate. The last thing I want to see on my celebrity gossip pages is a debate about this word and whether it's okay to use it affectionately (ie: "let's go dancing, you silly, fabulous little fag") when people are using it in the threatening drunken frat boy context (ie: "I'll beat your ass, you fuckin' faggot.") Perez Hilton, who routinely declares things "fagulous", outs people (ie: Lance Bass) constantly, and calls everyone under the sun "fags", has already cried for Isaiah Washington's ouster from the cast of "Grey's Anatomy." I'm not down with homophobia, and I think that all my friends hitting the same-sex tip (and myself, on occasion) should get to do so without having to suffer hateful attacks, but this "oh, that's SO wrong" type of debate is pointless and annoying. It doesn't do anything to change the minds of people who use the term in a demeaning way (and trust me, I have MANY relatives who do so, and halfassed media disapproval of some Hollywood asshole isn't going to change their minds or stop them from doing so), and it only enhances the bullshit climate of political correctness that is pervasive in our society. Even worse, it causes the larger issues (harassment and hatred of gay people) to get lost in a nebulous debate about semantics. I don't think Isaiah Washington or anyone else should get any sort of sympathy or respect for being a slur-slinging dickhead, but I don't need to hear Katherine Heigl or anyone else at a Golden Globes press conference acting like a self-righteous victim's studies major in a Smith College gender politics class telling us about her personal reasons for finding something offensive in a "like, oh my God, that makes me feel so mad because I totally know gay people and this, like, hurts their feelings and I'm a really good friend so it hurts my feelings too. Let's talk about feelings some more, because that's like, totally SUCH a productive means of finding solutions to larger social problems." Go back to being ridiculous fake TV doctors and SHUT THE FUCK UP, you morons!
So, if there weren't enough reasons to hate "Grey's Anatomy" based on the content of the actual show, now there is empirical evidence that most of the cast, gay or straight, are idiotic tools in real life. I guess that makes them more believable as the equally stupid characters they play, which is why they won the Golden Globe for "Best Shitty TV Show that Every Chick on the Planet Except Me Watches" or whatever. I never thought I would hearken fondly back to the days when the shiteous "CSI" was the most-watched show on television, but it just goes to show that you should never say never. Or faggot.
Labels: celebrities, Grey's Anatomy, Nip/Tuck, pro-apocalyptic zeitgeist, ranting, retard rage, scathing indictments, TV, vulgar display of faggotry, you're ugly
Saturday, September 30, 2006
Highlights from the fall TV season so far
When Karl Marx said that religion is the opiate of the masses, it was only because they hadn't invented television yet. TV fucking rules, especially if you're a perpetually impoverished graduate student pulling 12-hour-days. If I don't have any money to go out drinking, or any energy to do so after laying waste to a shelf's worth of inbred mice, I turn to TV for much-needed relaxation. Tonight, for example, may be Saturday, but since I laid waste to most of the Lower East Side's supply of Johnnie Walker Black last night, I'm staying in to nurse my hangover and flip back and forth between marathon reruns of "Project Runway" and "Flavor of Love." It occurred to me that I'm an expert on shitty TV, so I may as well opine about the audiovisual crack I'm consuming on the old idiot box.
Nip/Tuck
I have been addicted to this show about morally bereft plastic surgeons in Miami since it was introduced right before I moved to New York three years ago. The pilot episode of this show included lines being blown off hot model ass, Colombian drug lords adminstering penile Botox shots, a room full of people being splashed with liposuction fat, and a child molester's body being dumped in the Everglades weighted down with alligator-attracting hams. I was immediately hooked to the weekly drama surrounding Drs. McNamara and Troy.
Furthermore, I completely have the hots for my boyfriend Dr. Christian Troy, because he's so FUCKING fine and is one of the most unrepentant fictional assholes on television. In past seasons, Dr. Troy has traded his girlfriend for a Lamborghini, attended a Sexaholics Anonymous meeting where he promptly and literally blew his sponsor's celibate sobriety, fathered his partners' teenage son, and manage to transform the police investigation of his Carver attack and anal rape into a tawdry threesome.
So far, this season continues to achieve unprecedented levels of awesomeness. Some of the highlights:
America's Next Top Model
I LOVE this show. It is always awesome, because it is full of dumb, bitchy girls, ridiculous judges, and Tyra Banks being a snobby, self-righteous, FAKE idiot. From her horrible orange-toned weaves to her severely overdone diction, Tyra has to be one of the most outrageously insincere women I've ever seen. This season, Tyra has taken her monstrous egotism to the next level, and the entire house that this cycle's girls live in is PLASTERED with Tyra. Everywhere you look, there's a picture of Tyra wearing a scarf, Tyra wearing giant sunglasses, Tyra wearing a sexy dress, Tyra in a bathing suit, Tyra wearing too much makeup, Tyra doing one of her "signature poses," etc. Furthermore, Tyra has placed all these pictures there as a fictional spread for Tyra magazine, right down to a mural in the house featuring a "letter from Tyra" out of the magazine exhorting the prospective Top Models to read the magazine for vital information and tips on Top Modeling. Also, all the "Tyra Mail" this season arrives as a magazine subscription card, rather than the old pastel notecards of cycles past. Clearly this magazine thing is part of her transformation into full-blown Oprah wannabe, and you just know that if the fans like it, Tyra will be yet another unreadable piece of crap taking space away from superior publications like Us Weekly and Star at supermarket checkouts everywhere.
Tyra is attempting to emulate Oprah in one other way as well. Clearly she has not been following the model starvation diet she advocates. She needs to start taking some of the criticism/advice she dispenses every time she opens her mouth and PAY ATTENTION TO HER FUCKING BODY. Bitch has blown up like a balloon this season, and she has a low threshold for hiding extra pounds. She is one of those women who gains weight in her face first, so the second she cheats on her diet, she grows a new chin and gets a serious case of the bloat. On her atrocious talk show, Tyra once put on a fat suit and walked around Los Angeles, then bawled to two actual morbidly obese women about her experience (and the look on their faces was PRICELESS during her "It was soooo horrible, you guys!" tearfest). If Tyra doesn't quit stuffing her face at the craft service table backstage and get her ass on a treadmill, it will be only a matter of time before her fat suit becomes a reality.
Lost
I watch "Lost" primarily because I think that Sayid the Iraqi is really hot in spite of his greasy jhericurl and somewhat pudgy countenance. Besides, it doesn't get more "bad boy" than working as a torturer for Saddam Hussein's Repulican Guard. In addition to Sayid's sexual appeal, I also have seen a lot of the first two seasons, so I was all excited when I thought this Wednesday was going to be the big season premiere. Unfortunately, what the channel guide described as a "new" episode was actually a recut reel of somewhat important scenes to remind people major things that have gone on the past two seasons. While this was somewhat useful to me, as I forgot all the complicated ins and outs regarding the mystery of the island over the summer, I was really annoyed to not find out whether or not failing to enter the numbers at the hatch's Apple IIc caused the cataclysmic destruction of mankind, which is what I expected when the channel guide said this episode was "new." I was pissed.
Last season, "Lost" kind of dragged for awhile. There were way too many boring scenes exploring whether Kate will eventually fuck Jack or Sawyer or both, and Kate's personal baggage, and Jack's issues with his dad and his wife, and Sawyer's vacillating between doing right and being an asshole, and not NEARLY enough Sayid torturing creepy-looking Others or porking moderately attractive petite blondes. However, the last episode was one hell of a money shot as far as revealing important stuff. For example, when the numbers didn't get entered, we know that some serious shit of a magnetic nature happens, and this is why Oceanic flight 815 crashed in the first place. We also find out more about the Others, and they have Jack, Sawyer, and Kate tied up, Michael sailed off with Walt, Sayid found the ruins of a giant Colossus-at-Rhodes type statue of a foot with only four toes, and found out more cryptic and relatively uninformative stuff about Dharma and the Hanso foundation. In spite of myself, I REALLY want to know what the outcome of all this is.
Since I won't be able to see whether the Others kill Jack, Kate, and Sawyer (I know this won't happen, but a girl can dream) until next week, I have some predictions about what's going to happen this season:
Project Runway
"Project Runway" is a reality competition hosted by supermodel Heidi Klum in which aspiring fashion designers compete in weekly design challenges for the chance to show a collection at Olympus Fashion Week in New York. The designers are all bitchy, and it's fun to watch them bicker while they design often shitty and ridiculous clothing. The eliminated designer every week gets informed by Klum that "they're out" and air-kisses them off with a fond "auf wiedersehn."
The designers have now been winnowed down to four people who will be showing their collections at Fashion Week.
First there is Laura, the architect/baby factory who only makes beaded cocktail dresses for flatchested people. For an example of "classic Laura," check out the portrait of the artist herself:
Then there is Jeffrey, the hipster idiot who looks like a hellish cross between my cokehead ex-boyfriend Tod-With-One-D and Travis Barker, erstwhile Blink 182 drummer and current Paris Hilton fuckbuddy. Jeffrey is so annoying, because he is not only a complete prick, but he has the worst weak chin ever. His jawline looks like an undesirable ass, a combination of too much cleft and flat, amorphous proportions:
Also in the mix is Uli, the German who designs beach mumus for women in Miami and specializes in seizure-inducing patterned fabrics with lots of chunky braid:
Finally, there is my personal favorite. Michael Knight, this Hotlanta-born fashion thug, both shares his name with David Hasselhoff's character in "Knight Rider" and manages to design some hot urban casual wear. Also, he always will follow ghetto sensibility like "I'm not tryin' to play Captain Save-a-Ho, as we say in the hood" with lengthy complaints about the difficulties of pattern cutting , the temperamental nature of bobbin threads, and the technical trickery of hand-ruching:
As much as I get into the designers' drama and hope that Michael lays waste to Jeffrey's "deconstructed" bullshit and Uli's jungle wear, the real reason to watch this show is this:
The judges, "top American fashion designer" Michael Kors and Elle magazine fashion director Nina Garcia, are fabulously bitchy. Kors will always sneer distastefully at outfits he hates, and then makes some obnoxious yet usually accurate succinct description such as "she looks like a paper brioche" and "it looks like a grade school Thanksgiving pageant exploded all over her ass." It's fucking awesome when some designer sends an ambitious yet stank outfit down the runway, and Michael Kors glowers with righteous revulsion for a moment before declaring in his nasal tenor that "it looks like Comme des Garcons goes to the Amish country." Usually, then Nina will chime in to inform the designer that it's either tired, blatantly copied from some established edgy designer, and/or made with a terrible choice of fabric. Although Heidi Klum has her moments of bitchiness (like the time she said, "Would I rather look old or like a fat Minnie Mouse?"), Michael Kors and Nina Garcia have mastered the art of concise brutality in reality show judging.
Survivor
I don't even know why I watch "Survivor" except that I have for 11 seasons now, and it's almost like I only watch it out of habit. "Survivor" is always kind of boring, and Jeff Probst is an overdimpled, badly styled douche, but I always watch it anyway. I love some of the gimmicks that they incorporate to keep the show fresh. This season, they not only have hidden an immunity idol on the Exile Island, but they've organized the tribes down racial lines. I've been either busy or working the late the past few weeks on Thursdays, so I only saw the end of last week's episode to see how "Survivor" segregation was coming along. During the few minutes I did see, some Asian guy found the hidden immunity idol using geometry, and the Latinos threw a challenge so they could turn on the fat, slow, lazy, snoring guy and vote his ass out. This week, the "great social experiment" of racially segregating the "Survivor" tribes ended, and they mixed up and merged all the teams into two integrated tribes (with, of course, new hideous buffs for each tribe member to wear as tube top, bandeau, skirt, turban, arm garter, or scrunchie). I guess segregation, despite the producers' expectations, did not result in reality drama or high ratings.
Supernatural
Okay, I don't know how I've ended KIND OF watching "Supernatural," but I've seen a few episodes, mainly because I despise "CSI" and nothing else is on Thursdays at 9, and I flip back and forth between it and the equally shiteous "Grey's Anatomy" (see below). Bravo is a shitshow in this time slot, by the way. Last Thursday, they had "Cirque Du Soleil: Corteo", described by the channel guide as "a festive parade imagined by a clown," followed by "Cirque Du Soleil: Varekai", which is an "acrobatic tribute to the spirit of the nomadic soul." Watching these shows would inspire me to stick my head in the oven if it wasn't already occupied by a Lean Cuisine French bread pizza.
Anyway, "Supernatural" is a stupid show starring Jared Padalecki, late of "Gilmore Girls", and some guy who was on some other crappy WB show about teenagers. They are demon-hunting brothers who drive around the midwest in a late sixties model Impala listening to classic rock and killing demons flagrantly plagiarized from recent semi-popular horror movies and old "Buffy" episodes (ie: girl crawls out of mirror looking all Japanese ghosty, painting comes to life and kills people, scarecrow comes out of hibernation every twenty-third spring to eat nubile young couples, etc). Every episode involves Jared and the other guy pulling up to some town in buttfuck Indiana while rocking out to Bad Company. Once there, they realize that some supernatural shit is afoot and investigate, which typically involves impersonating everything from FBI agents to archaeologists to coroners to dead people's relatives. This investigation will result in them identifying their paranormal foe, and disclose that a hot girl is next to be eaten/absorbed/murdered/vaporized/damned eternally/etc. The brothers will probably also bicker, have flashbacks to their childhood, and have drama with their errant demon-hunting father. They will subsequently whip out either their BlackBerries (which they have tricked out, despite both of them being presumably unemployed save for unsolicited and unpaid psychic detective work) or their silver bullets or whatever, save the hot girl in the nick of time, and take turns making out with her. They'll make up from the fight they had earlier, crank the Foghat, and cruise off high-fiving and making overdone references to popular culture.
Like I said before, it's better than "CSI."
Grey's Anatomy
This show sucks, and I watch it primarily to give my unchecked rage a harmless outlet. This show is all about a bunch of surgeons and the drama that has resulted from them all having sex with each other. Complicating matters is the fact that they all live in Seattle, which makes them a bunch of snivelling, whiny crybabies. Consistent with their Seattle-dwelling status, the guys are all such a bunch of unscrubbed, emotionally processive tools that Patrick Dempsey and Chris O'Donnell are dueling for the title of resident hunks. That's exactly why I moved away from the Seattle area. Who wants to choose between fucking the index Ebola case from Outbreak and the latently homosexual Robin in one of the later Batman movies? Another thing I like about the show is that Sandra Oh's character was SMITH COLLEGE CLASS OF 2000! That means that when her character was in college and came out of her room to grouchily inform me and my drunken friends that it was "quiet hours" and could we please turn down the Dr. Dre and go smoke in our rooms because she has a test in her women's studies class the next day, I blew a bong hit in her face and told her to go boobmash with her roommate.
That is where any attempt at realism in "Grey's Anatomy," ends, however. There are a lot of things about "Grey's Anatomy" that make you audibly say "what the fuck?" First off, I'd like to point out that there are at least three black people in the cast, which anyone from Seattle can tell you comprises Seattle's ENTIRE African-American population excluding professional athletes. Second, all the doctors on this show are too busy having sex to actually perform any surgeries. They have sex with each other, sex with the nurses, sex with their roommates, sex with patients, etc. The sex scenes are always lame (usually consisting of Katherine Heigl in a fugly Playtex Cross Your Heart bra with either a dying person or that doctor whose name I can never remember) and seem to occur everywhere in the hospital: in the locker room, in the nurses' station, on random out-of-the-way gurneys, in the break room, in patient beds, etc. While normally I'd be a fan of a show with so much sex happening, most of it is implied except scenes involving the aforementioned breasts of Katherine Heigl, Patrick Dempsey's suspiciously trannish wife, or the skeletal and horribly aged Meredith Grey who is the title character. You can probably see why, in this time slot, I usually opt for "Supernatural."
Flavor of Love
Why any woman would want to bone Flavor Flav is beyond me. He's like a hobbit from the hood, and despite his charming, funny mannerisms, there is no way in hell I'd let his little weiner get anywhere near me. However, there are apparently a lot of women who wouldn't mind, and they are some nasty bitches all stuck together in the house. The final three (Deelishis, Krazy, and New York) are three of the most ridiculous women ever. Krazy is obviously trying to get her music career off the ground (watch out, Flav, you don't want a repeat of what Hoopz did to you), Deelishis looks like a man despite having an ass that defies physics, and New York, resurrected from last season, is a complete and total lunatic. I was rooting for Bootz, but Flav canned her last episode because she said she wasn't going to put out until she got married, despite giving a very slutty booty dance to Lloyd Banks, Young Buck, and the guys from Three 6 Mafia. However, now that it's down to the three, I'm going to have say I'm putting my money on Deelishis. Despite her somewhat gender bending facial bone structure and hideously disfiguring scars on her back, she isn't seemingly an attention whore, and appears slightly more stable mentally than New York. Go Deelishis!
Now I can't write anymore, as I have to watch some more TV.
Nip/Tuck
I have been addicted to this show about morally bereft plastic surgeons in Miami since it was introduced right before I moved to New York three years ago. The pilot episode of this show included lines being blown off hot model ass, Colombian drug lords adminstering penile Botox shots, a room full of people being splashed with liposuction fat, and a child molester's body being dumped in the Everglades weighted down with alligator-attracting hams. I was immediately hooked to the weekly drama surrounding Drs. McNamara and Troy.
Furthermore, I completely have the hots for my boyfriend Dr. Christian Troy, because he's so FUCKING fine and is one of the most unrepentant fictional assholes on television. In past seasons, Dr. Troy has traded his girlfriend for a Lamborghini, attended a Sexaholics Anonymous meeting where he promptly and literally blew his sponsor's celibate sobriety, fathered his partners' teenage son, and manage to transform the police investigation of his Carver attack and anal rape into a tawdry threesome.
So far, this season continues to achieve unprecedented levels of awesomeness. Some of the highlights:
- Christian is questioning his heterosexuality, and has engaged in several portentous flirting sessions with...A.C. SLATER FROM "SAVED BY THE BELL"?! Yep, that's right. Mario Lopez is guest-starring as another latently faggoty plastic surgeon and they already had an ass-admiring session in the gym showers where they discussed protein shakes and whether liposuction is necessary for more defined "cum gutters" (abdominal muscles). I can't wait until the episode when he and Christian exchange head in Mario Lopez's Ferrari.
- Sean and Julia's new baby has some condition called "ectrodactyly", more commonly known as LOBSTER CLAW HANDS. They're acting like assholes all the time adjusting to the kid's disability, and they just hired a male midget as a nanny, and it's any episode now before Julia hooks up with him.
- After being overpowered by the music of Oasis, Sean banged the ugly nanny, then gave her a gratis nose job so she'd keep it quiet. However, she's probably not going to, because she's obviously insane. I predict that she'll be stalking him frantically within two episodes.
- Christian bones a mother and daughter at the same time, then gets into a fight with them over who is more morally bankrupt.
- Kathleen Turner guest stars as a phone sex operator who needs a larynx shaving to stay sexy-sounding even though she now looks like a bloated old toad.
- Christian was clandestinely recorded making a sex video and it "went viral" after showing up on YouTube.
- Matt, having already achieved new levels of dumbassery by acting like a wuss when he got caught having a threesome, not being wise to Famke Janssen's actually being a man (although to be fair she was the most convincing post-op M2F tranny EVER), beating up transgendered people, and becoming a Nazi, has now decided that Scientology is his calling. Granted, it's not entirely his fault that he's so fucked up, as Julia lied to him and everybody else for 16 years that Sean was his father when Christian really was, but seriously. Is Matt ever going to stop being an effeminate douche with the worst teenage coping skills ever, or what?
- Liz the lesbo anesthesiologist gets slipped a roofie at some lesbian bar and winds up short a kidney.
- Sean eats hash brownies and has visions of Escobar Gallardo.
- A patient who I later realized was the aged child star who played Laura on "Little House on the Prairie" gets her nipple bitten off while fucking her pit bull mix.
- Sean and Christian sold the practice after medical business mogul and prostate cancer survivor Larry Hagman and his hot ex-lesbian hooker wife Sanaa Lathan (late of Alien vs. Predator) liked the testicular implants the doctors gave him. Sanaa Lathan's management style, which includes providing payoffs and breast access to her former madam, attempting to fire Liz for sexual harassment, and stocking the office with expensive espresso machines, is wreaking havoc with Sean and Christian's respective control issues. Christian responds by using his knowledge of her sordid past as a prostitute to extort sex from her.
America's Next Top Model
I LOVE this show. It is always awesome, because it is full of dumb, bitchy girls, ridiculous judges, and Tyra Banks being a snobby, self-righteous, FAKE idiot. From her horrible orange-toned weaves to her severely overdone diction, Tyra has to be one of the most outrageously insincere women I've ever seen. This season, Tyra has taken her monstrous egotism to the next level, and the entire house that this cycle's girls live in is PLASTERED with Tyra. Everywhere you look, there's a picture of Tyra wearing a scarf, Tyra wearing giant sunglasses, Tyra wearing a sexy dress, Tyra in a bathing suit, Tyra wearing too much makeup, Tyra doing one of her "signature poses," etc. Furthermore, Tyra has placed all these pictures there as a fictional spread for Tyra magazine, right down to a mural in the house featuring a "letter from Tyra" out of the magazine exhorting the prospective Top Models to read the magazine for vital information and tips on Top Modeling. Also, all the "Tyra Mail" this season arrives as a magazine subscription card, rather than the old pastel notecards of cycles past. Clearly this magazine thing is part of her transformation into full-blown Oprah wannabe, and you just know that if the fans like it, Tyra will be yet another unreadable piece of crap taking space away from superior publications like Us Weekly and Star at supermarket checkouts everywhere.
Tyra is attempting to emulate Oprah in one other way as well. Clearly she has not been following the model starvation diet she advocates. She needs to start taking some of the criticism/advice she dispenses every time she opens her mouth and PAY ATTENTION TO HER FUCKING BODY. Bitch has blown up like a balloon this season, and she has a low threshold for hiding extra pounds. She is one of those women who gains weight in her face first, so the second she cheats on her diet, she grows a new chin and gets a serious case of the bloat. On her atrocious talk show, Tyra once put on a fat suit and walked around Los Angeles, then bawled to two actual morbidly obese women about her experience (and the look on their faces was PRICELESS during her "It was soooo horrible, you guys!" tearfest). If Tyra doesn't quit stuffing her face at the craft service table backstage and get her ass on a treadmill, it will be only a matter of time before her fat suit becomes a reality.
Lost
I watch "Lost" primarily because I think that Sayid the Iraqi is really hot in spite of his greasy jhericurl and somewhat pudgy countenance. Besides, it doesn't get more "bad boy" than working as a torturer for Saddam Hussein's Repulican Guard. In addition to Sayid's sexual appeal, I also have seen a lot of the first two seasons, so I was all excited when I thought this Wednesday was going to be the big season premiere. Unfortunately, what the channel guide described as a "new" episode was actually a recut reel of somewhat important scenes to remind people major things that have gone on the past two seasons. While this was somewhat useful to me, as I forgot all the complicated ins and outs regarding the mystery of the island over the summer, I was really annoyed to not find out whether or not failing to enter the numbers at the hatch's Apple IIc caused the cataclysmic destruction of mankind, which is what I expected when the channel guide said this episode was "new." I was pissed.
Last season, "Lost" kind of dragged for awhile. There were way too many boring scenes exploring whether Kate will eventually fuck Jack or Sawyer or both, and Kate's personal baggage, and Jack's issues with his dad and his wife, and Sawyer's vacillating between doing right and being an asshole, and not NEARLY enough Sayid torturing creepy-looking Others or porking moderately attractive petite blondes. However, the last episode was one hell of a money shot as far as revealing important stuff. For example, when the numbers didn't get entered, we know that some serious shit of a magnetic nature happens, and this is why Oceanic flight 815 crashed in the first place. We also find out more about the Others, and they have Jack, Sawyer, and Kate tied up, Michael sailed off with Walt, Sayid found the ruins of a giant Colossus-at-Rhodes type statue of a foot with only four toes, and found out more cryptic and relatively uninformative stuff about Dharma and the Hanso foundation. In spite of myself, I REALLY want to know what the outcome of all this is.
Since I won't be able to see whether the Others kill Jack, Kate, and Sawyer (I know this won't happen, but a girl can dream) until next week, I have some predictions about what's going to happen this season:
- Michael and Walt will totally not get rescued. Instead, they will foolishly follow the Others' navigational advice and end up either back on the island or somewhere worse. Because the "Lost" writers love to prove how useful their fucking liberal arts degrees are by throwing in lots of heavy-handed intellectual references, I predict they'll encounter some obviously Odyssean peril, like a witch who look like Michael's dead heartless bitch of an international lawyer who turns overcompensating deadbeat dads with anger management issues into pigs, or a cannibal cyclops.
- Jack, Kate, and Sawyer are interrogated and subjected to totally unnecessary, poorly executed and nonsensical medical tests conducted by the Others. When the Other leader they knew as Henry Gale questions them, Kate just shuts up and glares mournfully, Jack gets all square-jawed and reminds everyone several times that he's a doctor, and Sawyer delivers inappropriate quips in his "Dukes of Hazzard"-inspired cracker accent. Then they stage an insurgency and manage to escape, but spend the rest of the season suspecting that the Others implanted them all with anal probes, just to make their lives suck even more. That's what I would do, if I was an Other.
- Charlie, ersatz junkie/Driveshaft bassist, will go back on the smack when not helping Mr. Eko do his dirty self-redemption work. Claire will yell at him, imply that he's being a bad stepfather to her baby, or otherwise upset him, and he'll be breaking open virgin mary statues like they're eggs and he's making a giant heroin omelette.
- Mr. Eko will die. Adewale Super Nigerian Last Name-hyphenated-Super Nigerian Last Name, the actor who plays Mr. Eko, had a tangle with the Honolulu police. Although the charge was dropped, "Lost" producers get really nervous when they have cast members getting into skirmishes with the Hawaii 5-0. Michelle Rodriguez and that busted blonde chick both got DUIs and their characters were promptly shot to death. Therefore, Mr. Eko will be killed in a sudden way to avoid the mere appearance of impropriety regarding the integrity of the "Lost" cast ensemble.
- Sayid, without any eligible slutty blondes around to impress with his dark mystique, will let himself go, become BFFs with Charlie the Junkie Hobbit, and start doing gay shit like this:
- The failure to enter the numbers on time which caused the counter thingy to go all hieroglyphic and cranked up the supposedly apocalypse-causing magnet results in another plane crash. A whole new crowd of plane crash survivors start mingling with the gang from Oceanic 815. This cast of characters includes a world-ending magnetologist, a brooding and reserved loner type named Thomas Hobbes who argues with Locke about property rights, social structure, and the nature of man, and a plastic surgeon who both threatens Jack's masculinity and gives Hurley the gynecomastia man tit-removal surgery he so desperately needs.
- In the course of being tortured/experimented upon by the Others, Kate wastes an entire episode reflecting on her past as the most boring international fugitive in the history of criminal vigilante justice, her love for horses, her dysfunctional trailer park family problems, and feelings for Jack AND Sawyer. The Others, like the television viewing audience, are so sick of her that they destroy her ovaries to ensure that she'll never pass her woeful genes on to any possible offspring that might result from the inevitable Jack-Sawyer train she'll be running.
- The four-toed foot turns out to be a relic of an ancient civilization that worshipped "The Simpsons," and were going to cover the island with gargantuan statues of every Matt Groening caricature ever drawn, until the magnet or whatever went off. It turns out the magnet was put there as a trap by the people from Easter Island, who were looking to dominate the south Pacific inexplicable stone idol market.
- Sun will have her baby, which will turn out to be half-black, which will make Jin go all half-cocked, break out his battering skills from his days as a Korean Soprano, and fuck up Michael, Mr. Eko, or any other person with high levels of melanin in their skin to cross his path.
Project Runway
"Project Runway" is a reality competition hosted by supermodel Heidi Klum in which aspiring fashion designers compete in weekly design challenges for the chance to show a collection at Olympus Fashion Week in New York. The designers are all bitchy, and it's fun to watch them bicker while they design often shitty and ridiculous clothing. The eliminated designer every week gets informed by Klum that "they're out" and air-kisses them off with a fond "auf wiedersehn."
The designers have now been winnowed down to four people who will be showing their collections at Fashion Week.
First there is Laura, the architect/baby factory who only makes beaded cocktail dresses for flatchested people. For an example of "classic Laura," check out the portrait of the artist herself:
Then there is Jeffrey, the hipster idiot who looks like a hellish cross between my cokehead ex-boyfriend Tod-With-One-D and Travis Barker, erstwhile Blink 182 drummer and current Paris Hilton fuckbuddy. Jeffrey is so annoying, because he is not only a complete prick, but he has the worst weak chin ever. His jawline looks like an undesirable ass, a combination of too much cleft and flat, amorphous proportions:
Also in the mix is Uli, the German who designs beach mumus for women in Miami and specializes in seizure-inducing patterned fabrics with lots of chunky braid:
Finally, there is my personal favorite. Michael Knight, this Hotlanta-born fashion thug, both shares his name with David Hasselhoff's character in "Knight Rider" and manages to design some hot urban casual wear. Also, he always will follow ghetto sensibility like "I'm not tryin' to play Captain Save-a-Ho, as we say in the hood" with lengthy complaints about the difficulties of pattern cutting , the temperamental nature of bobbin threads, and the technical trickery of hand-ruching:
As much as I get into the designers' drama and hope that Michael lays waste to Jeffrey's "deconstructed" bullshit and Uli's jungle wear, the real reason to watch this show is this:
The judges, "top American fashion designer" Michael Kors and Elle magazine fashion director Nina Garcia, are fabulously bitchy. Kors will always sneer distastefully at outfits he hates, and then makes some obnoxious yet usually accurate succinct description such as "she looks like a paper brioche" and "it looks like a grade school Thanksgiving pageant exploded all over her ass." It's fucking awesome when some designer sends an ambitious yet stank outfit down the runway, and Michael Kors glowers with righteous revulsion for a moment before declaring in his nasal tenor that "it looks like Comme des Garcons goes to the Amish country." Usually, then Nina will chime in to inform the designer that it's either tired, blatantly copied from some established edgy designer, and/or made with a terrible choice of fabric. Although Heidi Klum has her moments of bitchiness (like the time she said, "Would I rather look old or like a fat Minnie Mouse?"), Michael Kors and Nina Garcia have mastered the art of concise brutality in reality show judging.
Survivor
I don't even know why I watch "Survivor" except that I have for 11 seasons now, and it's almost like I only watch it out of habit. "Survivor" is always kind of boring, and Jeff Probst is an overdimpled, badly styled douche, but I always watch it anyway. I love some of the gimmicks that they incorporate to keep the show fresh. This season, they not only have hidden an immunity idol on the Exile Island, but they've organized the tribes down racial lines. I've been either busy or working the late the past few weeks on Thursdays, so I only saw the end of last week's episode to see how "Survivor" segregation was coming along. During the few minutes I did see, some Asian guy found the hidden immunity idol using geometry, and the Latinos threw a challenge so they could turn on the fat, slow, lazy, snoring guy and vote his ass out. This week, the "great social experiment" of racially segregating the "Survivor" tribes ended, and they mixed up and merged all the teams into two integrated tribes (with, of course, new hideous buffs for each tribe member to wear as tube top, bandeau, skirt, turban, arm garter, or scrunchie). I guess segregation, despite the producers' expectations, did not result in reality drama or high ratings.
Supernatural
Okay, I don't know how I've ended KIND OF watching "Supernatural," but I've seen a few episodes, mainly because I despise "CSI" and nothing else is on Thursdays at 9, and I flip back and forth between it and the equally shiteous "Grey's Anatomy" (see below). Bravo is a shitshow in this time slot, by the way. Last Thursday, they had "Cirque Du Soleil: Corteo", described by the channel guide as "a festive parade imagined by a clown," followed by "Cirque Du Soleil: Varekai", which is an "acrobatic tribute to the spirit of the nomadic soul." Watching these shows would inspire me to stick my head in the oven if it wasn't already occupied by a Lean Cuisine French bread pizza.
Anyway, "Supernatural" is a stupid show starring Jared Padalecki, late of "Gilmore Girls", and some guy who was on some other crappy WB show about teenagers. They are demon-hunting brothers who drive around the midwest in a late sixties model Impala listening to classic rock and killing demons flagrantly plagiarized from recent semi-popular horror movies and old "Buffy" episodes (ie: girl crawls out of mirror looking all Japanese ghosty, painting comes to life and kills people, scarecrow comes out of hibernation every twenty-third spring to eat nubile young couples, etc). Every episode involves Jared and the other guy pulling up to some town in buttfuck Indiana while rocking out to Bad Company. Once there, they realize that some supernatural shit is afoot and investigate, which typically involves impersonating everything from FBI agents to archaeologists to coroners to dead people's relatives. This investigation will result in them identifying their paranormal foe, and disclose that a hot girl is next to be eaten/absorbed/murdered/vaporized/damned eternally/etc. The brothers will probably also bicker, have flashbacks to their childhood, and have drama with their errant demon-hunting father. They will subsequently whip out either their BlackBerries (which they have tricked out, despite both of them being presumably unemployed save for unsolicited and unpaid psychic detective work) or their silver bullets or whatever, save the hot girl in the nick of time, and take turns making out with her. They'll make up from the fight they had earlier, crank the Foghat, and cruise off high-fiving and making overdone references to popular culture.
Like I said before, it's better than "CSI."
Grey's Anatomy
This show sucks, and I watch it primarily to give my unchecked rage a harmless outlet. This show is all about a bunch of surgeons and the drama that has resulted from them all having sex with each other. Complicating matters is the fact that they all live in Seattle, which makes them a bunch of snivelling, whiny crybabies. Consistent with their Seattle-dwelling status, the guys are all such a bunch of unscrubbed, emotionally processive tools that Patrick Dempsey and Chris O'Donnell are dueling for the title of resident hunks. That's exactly why I moved away from the Seattle area. Who wants to choose between fucking the index Ebola case from Outbreak and the latently homosexual Robin in one of the later Batman movies? Another thing I like about the show is that Sandra Oh's character was SMITH COLLEGE CLASS OF 2000! That means that when her character was in college and came out of her room to grouchily inform me and my drunken friends that it was "quiet hours" and could we please turn down the Dr. Dre and go smoke in our rooms because she has a test in her women's studies class the next day, I blew a bong hit in her face and told her to go boobmash with her roommate.
That is where any attempt at realism in "Grey's Anatomy," ends, however. There are a lot of things about "Grey's Anatomy" that make you audibly say "what the fuck?" First off, I'd like to point out that there are at least three black people in the cast, which anyone from Seattle can tell you comprises Seattle's ENTIRE African-American population excluding professional athletes. Second, all the doctors on this show are too busy having sex to actually perform any surgeries. They have sex with each other, sex with the nurses, sex with their roommates, sex with patients, etc. The sex scenes are always lame (usually consisting of Katherine Heigl in a fugly Playtex Cross Your Heart bra with either a dying person or that doctor whose name I can never remember) and seem to occur everywhere in the hospital: in the locker room, in the nurses' station, on random out-of-the-way gurneys, in the break room, in patient beds, etc. While normally I'd be a fan of a show with so much sex happening, most of it is implied except scenes involving the aforementioned breasts of Katherine Heigl, Patrick Dempsey's suspiciously trannish wife, or the skeletal and horribly aged Meredith Grey who is the title character. You can probably see why, in this time slot, I usually opt for "Supernatural."
Flavor of Love
Why any woman would want to bone Flavor Flav is beyond me. He's like a hobbit from the hood, and despite his charming, funny mannerisms, there is no way in hell I'd let his little weiner get anywhere near me. However, there are apparently a lot of women who wouldn't mind, and they are some nasty bitches all stuck together in the house. The final three (Deelishis, Krazy, and New York) are three of the most ridiculous women ever. Krazy is obviously trying to get her music career off the ground (watch out, Flav, you don't want a repeat of what Hoopz did to you), Deelishis looks like a man despite having an ass that defies physics, and New York, resurrected from last season, is a complete and total lunatic. I was rooting for Bootz, but Flav canned her last episode because she said she wasn't going to put out until she got married, despite giving a very slutty booty dance to Lloyd Banks, Young Buck, and the guys from Three 6 Mafia. However, now that it's down to the three, I'm going to have say I'm putting my money on Deelishis. Despite her somewhat gender bending facial bone structure and hideously disfiguring scars on her back, she isn't seemingly an attention whore, and appears slightly more stable mentally than New York. Go Deelishis!
Now I can't write anymore, as I have to watch some more TV.
Labels: America's Next Top Model, Flavor of Love, Grey's Anatomy, I LOVE IT, Lost, Nip/Tuck, Project Runway, Supernatural, Survivor, TV
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