Wednesday, August 09, 2006
Digital cable channel guide descriptions are patently false
I worked quite late tonight trying to catch up on all the lab action I missed while enjoying twelve days of blissfully grad school-free beer drinking, sleeping late, getting a killer tan, and generally lazing about. So when I got home and finished walking the dogs a few minutes ago, I decided to catch up on a little crappy TV watching.
I realized while flipping through the channel guide that is supposedly one of the perks to a digital cable subscription that this thing is fucking worthless. For example, this is what the channel guide had to say about tonight's episode of "Sex and the City" on TBS:
Episode: One. Carrie has a rendezvous in the exotic world of art; Charlotte receives some surprise news; Miranda and Steve celebrate Brady's first birthday; Samantha tries to preserve her youth.
This is the worst description of this "Sex and the City" episode ever. I've seen most of the "Sex and the City" episodes at one time or another, and I happen to know that in this episode something entirely different happens. If I were a channel guide episode description writer, I would come up with something a little more accurate, like this:
Episode: One. Carrie goes to a pretentious performance art exhibition and meets a famous and righteously old Russian artist played by former ballerina Mikhail Baryshnikov who then force-feeds her aspic like a foie gras goose; Charlotte has a miscarriage, after which she spirals into a deep depression curable only by watching Elizabeth Taylor's E! True Hollywood Story; Miranda and Steve ditch both of their disproportionately hot significant others after they hook up in the laundry room over their bastard spawn's birthday cake; Samantha discovers a gray pubic hair and accidentally dyes her short-and-curlies bozo clown red in her desperation to make her pussy look younger.
Okay, I realize that it's not quite as pithy as the channel guide version, but it certainly is more compelling and honest. Furthermore, with the convenient "page down" feature available on most common digital cable remote controls, there is no need to be limited by length. The channel guide needs to get its act together.
Here is another example. This is what the channel guide says about tonight's episode of "Criss Angel: Mindfreak" on A&E:
Episode: Building Walk. Criss attempts to walk down the side of a building.
Although this is relatively straightforward, it is a poor and almost misleading description of what actually awaits the television viewer who flips to "Criss Angel: Mindfreak." This is a more accurate summary:
Episode: Building Walk. Criss "Christoper Sarantakos" Angel spends twenty-five minutes trying desperately to out-David Blaine David Blaine: tousles his Robert Smith meets Edward Scissorhands hairstyle, puts on eyeliner, polishes his edgy body jewelry, cranks up his Disturbed CD, speaks in nonsensical riddles to enhance his master of mystery routine, makes at least five "don't try this at home, I am the only professional tool qualified to do them" liability disclaimers, and sells pull-a-quarter-out-from-behind-your-ear snake oil magic tricks to elicit cries of awe frome a bunch of obese tourists buying stupid t-shirts at whatever casino employs his bitch-ass. Then in the last ninety seconds and while the credits roll he attempts to walk down the side of a building.
It couldn't hurt to put a thumbnail photo of Criss Angel on the channel guide, so that people know EXACTLY what an obnoxious prick he is. Would you watch this show if you knew it meant watching this asshole do THIS for 30 minutes?
I would DEFINITELY know to steer clear of "Criss Angel: Mindfreak" if the channel guide were kind enough to indicate that it involves 30 minutes watching the bastard child of John Rambo and the manager of the Sea-Tac Mall Hot Topic preen himself. I wouldn't even look at this shit long enough to notice that the motherfucker is wearing a BROWN belt with BLACK jeans and combining that with what looks like 50 Cent's training bling. Once again, the channel guide is woefully inadequate for my shitty TV informational needs.
Another inaccurate guide entry is the information for "Celebrity Wedding Secrets" on Vh1. The channel guide tells me that this show is as follows:
Celebrity Weddings. Details from the year's celebrity nuptials.
Looking at this, you might think this show documents the tedious minutiae of some famous person's expensive wedding, like talking about the centerpieces or the cake. This, however, is a more apt record of "Celebrity Wedding Secrets:"
Celebrity Weddings. Q-list comedians, self-important bloggers, ex-supporting cast members from sitcoms of yesteryear, desperate-for-free-marketing wedding planners/starfucking sycophants, and former Vh1 reality stars (ie: Wendy the Snapple Lady) bitterly opine about Sir Elton John's life partner ceremony, then attempt to compensate for their shamelessly exposed jealousy issues by guffawing at their own lame jokes.
Now THAT is something I would watch, if only to mock Vh1's heavy-handed pop culture punditry. The channel guide really needs to get its act together. If anyone at Time Warner Cable is reading this, would you kindly pass my suggestion on to the channel guide department that including snappy language in their episode summaries would ultimately prove a boon for the digital cable industry? People would feel more confident relying on the channel guide, and consequently would watch more cable television. Furthermore, people would likely upgrade to channel guide-having digital cable if they knew that there was an entertaining yet informative consumer tool like a Razzified channel guide included in the package. Better channel guide descriptions would benefit everyone. I expect it's only a matter of time before the higher ups at Time Warner are blowing up my cell phone trying to hire me.
I realized while flipping through the channel guide that is supposedly one of the perks to a digital cable subscription that this thing is fucking worthless. For example, this is what the channel guide had to say about tonight's episode of "Sex and the City" on TBS:
Episode: One. Carrie has a rendezvous in the exotic world of art; Charlotte receives some surprise news; Miranda and Steve celebrate Brady's first birthday; Samantha tries to preserve her youth.
This is the worst description of this "Sex and the City" episode ever. I've seen most of the "Sex and the City" episodes at one time or another, and I happen to know that in this episode something entirely different happens. If I were a channel guide episode description writer, I would come up with something a little more accurate, like this:
Episode: One. Carrie goes to a pretentious performance art exhibition and meets a famous and righteously old Russian artist played by former ballerina Mikhail Baryshnikov who then force-feeds her aspic like a foie gras goose; Charlotte has a miscarriage, after which she spirals into a deep depression curable only by watching Elizabeth Taylor's E! True Hollywood Story; Miranda and Steve ditch both of their disproportionately hot significant others after they hook up in the laundry room over their bastard spawn's birthday cake; Samantha discovers a gray pubic hair and accidentally dyes her short-and-curlies bozo clown red in her desperation to make her pussy look younger.
Okay, I realize that it's not quite as pithy as the channel guide version, but it certainly is more compelling and honest. Furthermore, with the convenient "page down" feature available on most common digital cable remote controls, there is no need to be limited by length. The channel guide needs to get its act together.
Here is another example. This is what the channel guide says about tonight's episode of "Criss Angel: Mindfreak" on A&E:
Episode: Building Walk. Criss attempts to walk down the side of a building.
Although this is relatively straightforward, it is a poor and almost misleading description of what actually awaits the television viewer who flips to "Criss Angel: Mindfreak." This is a more accurate summary:
Episode: Building Walk. Criss "Christoper Sarantakos" Angel spends twenty-five minutes trying desperately to out-David Blaine David Blaine: tousles his Robert Smith meets Edward Scissorhands hairstyle, puts on eyeliner, polishes his edgy body jewelry, cranks up his Disturbed CD, speaks in nonsensical riddles to enhance his master of mystery routine, makes at least five "don't try this at home, I am the only professional tool qualified to do them" liability disclaimers, and sells pull-a-quarter-out-from-behind-your-ear snake oil magic tricks to elicit cries of awe frome a bunch of obese tourists buying stupid t-shirts at whatever casino employs his bitch-ass. Then in the last ninety seconds and while the credits roll he attempts to walk down the side of a building.
It couldn't hurt to put a thumbnail photo of Criss Angel on the channel guide, so that people know EXACTLY what an obnoxious prick he is. Would you watch this show if you knew it meant watching this asshole do THIS for 30 minutes?
I would DEFINITELY know to steer clear of "Criss Angel: Mindfreak" if the channel guide were kind enough to indicate that it involves 30 minutes watching the bastard child of John Rambo and the manager of the Sea-Tac Mall Hot Topic preen himself. I wouldn't even look at this shit long enough to notice that the motherfucker is wearing a BROWN belt with BLACK jeans and combining that with what looks like 50 Cent's training bling. Once again, the channel guide is woefully inadequate for my shitty TV informational needs.
Another inaccurate guide entry is the information for "Celebrity Wedding Secrets" on Vh1. The channel guide tells me that this show is as follows:
Celebrity Weddings. Details from the year's celebrity nuptials.
Looking at this, you might think this show documents the tedious minutiae of some famous person's expensive wedding, like talking about the centerpieces or the cake. This, however, is a more apt record of "Celebrity Wedding Secrets:"
Celebrity Weddings. Q-list comedians, self-important bloggers, ex-supporting cast members from sitcoms of yesteryear, desperate-for-free-marketing wedding planners/starfucking sycophants, and former Vh1 reality stars (ie: Wendy the Snapple Lady) bitterly opine about Sir Elton John's life partner ceremony, then attempt to compensate for their shamelessly exposed jealousy issues by guffawing at their own lame jokes.
Now THAT is something I would watch, if only to mock Vh1's heavy-handed pop culture punditry. The channel guide really needs to get its act together. If anyone at Time Warner Cable is reading this, would you kindly pass my suggestion on to the channel guide department that including snappy language in their episode summaries would ultimately prove a boon for the digital cable industry? People would feel more confident relying on the channel guide, and consequently would watch more cable television. Furthermore, people would likely upgrade to channel guide-having digital cable if they knew that there was an entertaining yet informative consumer tool like a Razzified channel guide included in the package. Better channel guide descriptions would benefit everyone. I expect it's only a matter of time before the higher ups at Time Warner are blowing up my cell phone trying to hire me.
Labels: celebrities, Criss Angel, Sex and the City, TV, Vh1
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