Friday, April 13, 2007
What would Rush and Samantha say?
Yesterday Dlisted informed me that the hotness that is Ian Ziering was offered $100,000 to pose nude in Playgirl. In case you don't watch "Dancing with the Stars" (which I don't, but which he is now on), you may best remember Ian from his role as the lovable and mischievious Steve Sanders on what critics unanimously agree is the greatest television show of all time: "Beverly Hills, 90210." Steve Sanders was always my favorite dude on Niner. Brandon was too much of a self-righteous tattletale, Dylan was always too brooding, whiny, and generally unable to deal, and David Silver always looked twelve, even in later years when he pioneered the semi-bearded look that Justin Timberlake rocks now to great effect. Steve was funny, and even when coping with the deep issues that frequently came up on Niner (like being adopted, knocking up his co-editor at the Beverly Beat, getting dumped by Hilary Swank, carrying a torch for Kelly Taylor, hooking up with the hideous Andrea Zuckerman during a late-night SAT prep session, having a perpetually displeased father and a lesbian celebrity mother, almost getting kicked out of two schools thanks to legacy key and/or rival school mascot stealing-related debacles, battling John Sears for KEG house supremacy and for the hand of the lovely retail worker Celeste, making out with a tranny in Palm Springs, and arguing with his snotnosed younger brother Randy Spelling about college versus bar-backing at the Peach Pit After Dark), he could always crack a joke and make light of the situation. So what if he wasn't as hot as the other guys on the show? He didn't need to overcompensate by getting elected class president or what JerseyGirl calls "catchin' a badass wave" like Brandon and Dylan. He didn't need to do anything to pull off driving a ridiculous 'Vette and having a "Caution: Guy Rocking Out" street sign on his locker at West Beverly:
Ah, Steve. I don't usually read shit like Playgirl because it looks like gay whack-off material to me. I'll take naked ladies over dudes any day. However, if Ian poses, I'd gladly pick up a copy. Sadly, TMZ is putting this report to rest. Not because Ian Ziering shot down Playgirl, but because Playgirl can't afford him! Apparently, "Playgirl doesn't have that kind of money to play with," and Steve Sanders won't drop trou for less than 100 large. Those of you in the New York/Secaucus, NJ area can attribute that collective wailing lamentation you hear to myself, JerseyGirl, and Rack. I wanted to see Steve Sanders's weiner! Alas.
Labels: Bev Niner, hot dudes, I LOVE IT, JerseyGirl, nudity, Rack, weiners
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
A match made in Razzy heaven
I've had a rough past few days, and I'm emotionally and physically exhausted. Therefore, I resolved to spend tonight doing the most relaxing, revitalizing thing I know how: eating frozen pepperoni DiGiorno, sipping on several frosty Heineken lights, and watching my absolute favorite show currently on television: "Nip/Tuck." It's the second to last episode of the season, and a metric ton of sheer orgasmic awesomeness has gone down thus far:
-Liz the lesbian anesthesiologist dumps Alanis Morrisette on the basis that she processed too much. Alanis then comes racing into the Troy/McNamara operating room to have a complete emotional breakdown and have Sean kick her crying, pathetic ass out for not being sterile
-A hallucinatory Xenu (otherwise known as the main villain from L. Ron Hubbard's theological text Dianetics) appears to Kimber. I imagine Xenu as more of the mustache-twirling, effetely cackling type of villain, but apparently that's not a very good description. He looks like pretty much what I imagine Nick Cave would look like if he were an alien.
-Gina shows up and, in classic Gina psychotic, aggressively manipulative, apopleptic -with-vicious-profanity-laden rage form, she promptly cries to get her way, brags about her antiretroviral protease and reverse transcriptase inhibitor drug cocktail, swears a blue streak and throws salads all over a restaurant when Christian refuses Gina visitation rights to his recently reclaimed not-baby Wilber.
-The nefarious James, she who once bashed a hooker's face in to prove to the doctors that she needed rhinoplasty and begged for her life in French to Vietnamese black market organ traders, blows her head off in Christian's living room after deciding not to steal organs from the aformentioned prodigal baby Wilber.
-Escobar Gallardo is back, looking like the illegitimate love child of Freddy Krueger and Pinhead/random cenobite from the long and storied tradition of Hellraiser movies, and extorting kidney harvesting services out of that chick from Alien vs. Predator who is Christian's new fiancee.
-Sean is coping with--take a wild guess here, people--insecurity issues. He tries unsuccessfully to resolve this by yelling impotently at a dissociative schizophrenic cruise ship ventriloquest and giving Matt sex tips, which brings me to the most ABSOLUTELY AWESOME THING THAT HAPPENED ON THE SHOW .
After Matt and Kimber resolve their sexual issues by making a professionally shot porn (complete with film crew) with a plot involving hilarious role-playing which fetishizes the doctor-patient relationship, they decide to do the nasty in Kimber's doctor's exam room. The doctor walks in on Matt giving her a pelvic exam with his dick, and begins to lecture them for boning during Kimber's pregnancy. At first I was wondering why the doctor looked so familiar. Then it hit me.
Oh. My. God. OH! MY! GOD! It's like the greatest TV show of the present met the greatest show ever, went on a date to a dinner of steak and mozzarella sticks, watched a shitty horror movie, drank a fifth of Johnnie Walker Black, and had the greatest sex of all time. Dr. Schwartz, Scientologist OB/GYN, is portrayed by none other than THIS man:
Yes, that James Eckhouse. As in sworn enemy/inheritance controlling trustee of Dylan McKay. As in Minneapolis native transplanted to a Spanish-style three bedroom house in Beverly Hills who later moves to Hong Kong. As in husband of Cindy and father of Brandon and Brenda. As in one of the most Janus-faced parents in the history of television. As in driving all the customers out of the Peach Pit with his cacophonous rendition of The Kinks' "Wild Thing." As in the patriarch of clan Walsh, the cornerstone of the first four seasons of the venerable and supremely brilliant "Beverly Hills, 90210"!!! Jim Walsh, M.D. and apparent OT-6 just caught Matt and Kimber porking in his stirrup chair, then informed them that their medical sex hijinks must end on account of "all the engrams that can penetrate the fetus," then implies that she's too morally bereft to be a good Scientologist.
James isn't the first Bev Niner alumnus to appear on "Nip/Tuck". In season one, Gabrielle "Andrea Zuckerman" Carteris made a guest appearance as a patient who had a pathological obsession with nose jobs to the point where she repeatedly demanded her husband break her nose with a hammer in order to feed her rhinoplasty addiction. However, that was a mere dalliance and a much less interesting or memorable performance compared to Jim Walsh the judgmental Scientologist obstetrician. If it were possible for me to shut the fuck up, I'd be speechless.
-Liz the lesbian anesthesiologist dumps Alanis Morrisette on the basis that she processed too much. Alanis then comes racing into the Troy/McNamara operating room to have a complete emotional breakdown and have Sean kick her crying, pathetic ass out for not being sterile
-A hallucinatory Xenu (otherwise known as the main villain from L. Ron Hubbard's theological text Dianetics) appears to Kimber. I imagine Xenu as more of the mustache-twirling, effetely cackling type of villain, but apparently that's not a very good description. He looks like pretty much what I imagine Nick Cave would look like if he were an alien.
-Gina shows up and, in classic Gina psychotic, aggressively manipulative, apopleptic -with-vicious-profanity-laden rage form, she promptly cries to get her way, brags about her antiretroviral protease and reverse transcriptase inhibitor drug cocktail, swears a blue streak and throws salads all over a restaurant when Christian refuses Gina visitation rights to his recently reclaimed not-baby Wilber.
-The nefarious James, she who once bashed a hooker's face in to prove to the doctors that she needed rhinoplasty and begged for her life in French to Vietnamese black market organ traders, blows her head off in Christian's living room after deciding not to steal organs from the aformentioned prodigal baby Wilber.
-Escobar Gallardo is back, looking like the illegitimate love child of Freddy Krueger and Pinhead/random cenobite from the long and storied tradition of Hellraiser movies, and extorting kidney harvesting services out of that chick from Alien vs. Predator who is Christian's new fiancee.
-Sean is coping with--take a wild guess here, people--insecurity issues. He tries unsuccessfully to resolve this by yelling impotently at a dissociative schizophrenic cruise ship ventriloquest and giving Matt sex tips, which brings me to the most ABSOLUTELY AWESOME THING THAT HAPPENED ON THE SHOW .
After Matt and Kimber resolve their sexual issues by making a professionally shot porn (complete with film crew) with a plot involving hilarious role-playing which fetishizes the doctor-patient relationship, they decide to do the nasty in Kimber's doctor's exam room. The doctor walks in on Matt giving her a pelvic exam with his dick, and begins to lecture them for boning during Kimber's pregnancy. At first I was wondering why the doctor looked so familiar. Then it hit me.
Oh. My. God. OH! MY! GOD! It's like the greatest TV show of the present met the greatest show ever, went on a date to a dinner of steak and mozzarella sticks, watched a shitty horror movie, drank a fifth of Johnnie Walker Black, and had the greatest sex of all time. Dr. Schwartz, Scientologist OB/GYN, is portrayed by none other than THIS man:
Yes, that James Eckhouse. As in sworn enemy/inheritance controlling trustee of Dylan McKay. As in Minneapolis native transplanted to a Spanish-style three bedroom house in Beverly Hills who later moves to Hong Kong. As in husband of Cindy and father of Brandon and Brenda. As in one of the most Janus-faced parents in the history of television. As in driving all the customers out of the Peach Pit with his cacophonous rendition of The Kinks' "Wild Thing." As in the patriarch of clan Walsh, the cornerstone of the first four seasons of the venerable and supremely brilliant "Beverly Hills, 90210"!!! Jim Walsh, M.D. and apparent OT-6 just caught Matt and Kimber porking in his stirrup chair, then informed them that their medical sex hijinks must end on account of "all the engrams that can penetrate the fetus," then implies that she's too morally bereft to be a good Scientologist.
James isn't the first Bev Niner alumnus to appear on "Nip/Tuck". In season one, Gabrielle "Andrea Zuckerman" Carteris made a guest appearance as a patient who had a pathological obsession with nose jobs to the point where she repeatedly demanded her husband break her nose with a hammer in order to feed her rhinoplasty addiction. However, that was a mere dalliance and a much less interesting or memorable performance compared to Jim Walsh the judgmental Scientologist obstetrician. If it were possible for me to shut the fuck up, I'd be speechless.
Labels: Bev Niner, Nip/Tuck, Razzification
Saturday, October 28, 2006
FYI regarding the MOST IMPORTANT EVENT OF THE YEAR
A monumental event is coming up. I have waited for YEARS for this event, and now the waiting is almost over. This is almost on par with the Seahawks going to the Super Bowl in terms of long-awaited hugeness. The BEST show ever is hitting the DVD shelves:
Yes! Yes! YES!!!! It's BEVERLY FUCKING HILLS, 90210! After years of anticipation, Bev Niner is finally going to take its appointed place in my DVD collection. Prepare yourself for the excitement of the pilot season, in which the Walsh family (uptight dad Jim, sympathetic mom Cindy, responsible boy twin Brandon, and tempestuous girl twin Brenda) moves from Minnesota to the now-infamous California zip code and experience all the highs and lows of life with their friends Kelly Taylor, Steve Sanders, Dylan McKay, Donna Martin, David Silver, and Andrea Zuckerman. During the first season, the gang tackles such issues as teenage alcoholism, coming of age, sex, pregnancy, gun control, the holocaust, hip hop, dyslexia, the lasting consequences of playing games like "skeletons in the closet", condoms, AIDS, shoplifting from Fred Segal, marital infidelity, the horror of maternal cocaine abuse at high school mother-daughter fashion shows, the phenomenon of karaoke, drunk driving, and date rape. Among the highlights:
Donna and David's burgeoning sexless relationship (lasting until David gets caught fucking Babyface's tour manager in a limo in season three, then rekindling and lasting again until David fucks Valerie, then rekindling and lasting again until David steals a check from Donna to pay rent for the Peach Pit After Dark, then rekindling again and resulting in their marriage)
The advent of Dylan and Kelly's sexually charged and extremely annoying relationship, which will go from casual screwing in empty cabanas at the Beverly Beach club to Dylan trying to trump Brandon's engagement ring with a trip around the world (Kelly eventually rejected both and chose self) to Dylan becoming a heroin addict in response to the mob hit death of his wife Antonia Marchette, AKA Rebecca Gayheart the Noxema fresh face girl. I think Kelly always liked him initially because he was a father figure, being the only 35-year-old student at West Beverly High.
The first rocky months of Brenda and Dylan's relationship, which was characterized by Brenda doing a lot of crying, yelling, running away, and shouting "Dylan, you're scaring me!" and Dylan angrily pacing, breaking flowerpots, sculptures, and various other handy ceramics, drinking airplane-sized bottles of bourbon out of various Bel Age Hotel minifridges, and boning Kelly on the side.
Andrea Zuckerman establishes herself as the official cast pain in the fucking ass. When not pining after Brandon, irritating everyone with her intellectual elitism and insufferable moral superiority, or ruining someone's life in the school paper, Andrea continues to piss everyone off by making constant "I told you so" faces and shopping for hideous scrunchies to both youth her up and tether down her mane rendered uncontrollable by decades of spiral perms and Nice 'n' Easy color treatments to cover up gray hairs.
The gang goes together like shoulder padded blazers, rayon floral scoopnecked peasant blouses, and high-waisted pleated jeans go with huge belts. Bev Niner is the best show ever!!!!
Oh, and by the way, my 28th birthday is just ten days after the Season One DVD drops (November 17th), and THIS
would make a *GREAT* present. So would THIS, which comes out the same day as the 9er DVDs. And so would lots and LOTS of money...
Yes! Yes! YES!!!! It's BEVERLY FUCKING HILLS, 90210! After years of anticipation, Bev Niner is finally going to take its appointed place in my DVD collection. Prepare yourself for the excitement of the pilot season, in which the Walsh family (uptight dad Jim, sympathetic mom Cindy, responsible boy twin Brandon, and tempestuous girl twin Brenda) moves from Minnesota to the now-infamous California zip code and experience all the highs and lows of life with their friends Kelly Taylor, Steve Sanders, Dylan McKay, Donna Martin, David Silver, and Andrea Zuckerman. During the first season, the gang tackles such issues as teenage alcoholism, coming of age, sex, pregnancy, gun control, the holocaust, hip hop, dyslexia, the lasting consequences of playing games like "skeletons in the closet", condoms, AIDS, shoplifting from Fred Segal, marital infidelity, the horror of maternal cocaine abuse at high school mother-daughter fashion shows, the phenomenon of karaoke, drunk driving, and date rape. Among the highlights:
Donna and David's burgeoning sexless relationship (lasting until David gets caught fucking Babyface's tour manager in a limo in season three, then rekindling and lasting again until David fucks Valerie, then rekindling and lasting again until David steals a check from Donna to pay rent for the Peach Pit After Dark, then rekindling again and resulting in their marriage)
The advent of Dylan and Kelly's sexually charged and extremely annoying relationship, which will go from casual screwing in empty cabanas at the Beverly Beach club to Dylan trying to trump Brandon's engagement ring with a trip around the world (Kelly eventually rejected both and chose self) to Dylan becoming a heroin addict in response to the mob hit death of his wife Antonia Marchette, AKA Rebecca Gayheart the Noxema fresh face girl. I think Kelly always liked him initially because he was a father figure, being the only 35-year-old student at West Beverly High.
The first rocky months of Brenda and Dylan's relationship, which was characterized by Brenda doing a lot of crying, yelling, running away, and shouting "Dylan, you're scaring me!" and Dylan angrily pacing, breaking flowerpots, sculptures, and various other handy ceramics, drinking airplane-sized bottles of bourbon out of various Bel Age Hotel minifridges, and boning Kelly on the side.
Andrea Zuckerman establishes herself as the official cast pain in the fucking ass. When not pining after Brandon, irritating everyone with her intellectual elitism and insufferable moral superiority, or ruining someone's life in the school paper, Andrea continues to piss everyone off by making constant "I told you so" faces and shopping for hideous scrunchies to both youth her up and tether down her mane rendered uncontrollable by decades of spiral perms and Nice 'n' Easy color treatments to cover up gray hairs.
The gang goes together like shoulder padded blazers, rayon floral scoopnecked peasant blouses, and high-waisted pleated jeans go with huge belts. Bev Niner is the best show ever!!!!
Oh, and by the way, my 28th birthday is just ten days after the Season One DVD drops (November 17th), and THIS
would make a *GREAT* present. So would THIS, which comes out the same day as the 9er DVDs. And so would lots and LOTS of money...Labels: aging, Bev Niner, I LOVE IT
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