Saturday, January 13, 2007
Straight up, now tell me anything coherent
My friend MillerTime back in the P-N-Dub always watches this morning show called "Mornings Live on Q", on Q13, Seattle's FOX affiliate. She used to watch it because she thought weatherman Walter Kelly was cute (to digress, I almost once mowed Walter Kelly down with my trusty Honda Civic as he emerged from the Starbucks down the street from my old office). Even after Walter Kelly was moved to the 11:00 news, she kept watching "Mornings Live on Q" because she likes the cheesy features they have, like showing pictures of dogs wearing stupid outfits and going "awwwwwww".
Since MillerTime takes roughly three hours to get ready for work in the morning, she gets to watch most of the show. Therefore, she MUST have seen this interview from a couple of days ago, which proves that Paula Abdul is certifiably insane and apparently self-medicating with a combination of Wild Turkey, Quaaludes, and good old-fashioned crack cocaine. Paula's eyes are rolling all over the place, she constantly sways her head from side to side, and all of what can be debatably be called speech that issues from her mouth sounds like someone failing a field sobriety test in an episode of "Cops." It's hardly the peppy "hey, you guys should watch the premiere of AmericanShitshow Idol" that was presumably the reason for her doing this interview in the first place. Behold, proof that Paula Abdul has just dethroned Whitney Houston as the most drugged-out has-been pop singer:
Supposedly Paula Abdul doesn't drink and has NEVER drank a drop in her life. Sha right. Given the above damning video evidence, I've determined that she is straight up LYING about her membership in the temperance league. I know also from my encyclopedic knowledge of E! True Hollywood Stories that she suffers from some rare chronic pain disorder. Obviously, she's still working that to the max in order to maintain a hefty Oxycontin prescription. If ever there was a human being easily associated with those old anti-drug commercials where they fry an egg and declare it "your brain on drugs", it's Paula Abdul.
My favorite quote is after Paula Abdul agrees with Simon Cowell and disses the caliber of singers from Seattle, thus prompting some feeble protests from the interviewers. Paula advises them that there's no such thing as bad publicity (famous last words), and that they should "eat it up" and proclaim that "Seattle has the best delusional people." Takes one to know one, Paula.
Since MillerTime takes roughly three hours to get ready for work in the morning, she gets to watch most of the show. Therefore, she MUST have seen this interview from a couple of days ago, which proves that Paula Abdul is certifiably insane and apparently self-medicating with a combination of Wild Turkey, Quaaludes, and good old-fashioned crack cocaine. Paula's eyes are rolling all over the place, she constantly sways her head from side to side, and all of what can be debatably be called speech that issues from her mouth sounds like someone failing a field sobriety test in an episode of "Cops." It's hardly the peppy "hey, you guys should watch the premiere of American
Supposedly Paula Abdul doesn't drink and has NEVER drank a drop in her life. Sha right. Given the above damning video evidence, I've determined that she is straight up LYING about her membership in the temperance league. I know also from my encyclopedic knowledge of E! True Hollywood Stories that she suffers from some rare chronic pain disorder. Obviously, she's still working that to the max in order to maintain a hefty Oxycontin prescription. If ever there was a human being easily associated with those old anti-drug commercials where they fry an egg and declare it "your brain on drugs", it's Paula Abdul.
My favorite quote is after Paula Abdul agrees with Simon Cowell and disses the caliber of singers from Seattle, thus prompting some feeble protests from the interviewers. Paula advises them that there's no such thing as bad publicity (famous last words), and that they should "eat it up" and proclaim that "Seattle has the best delusional people." Takes one to know one, Paula.
Labels: American Idol, celebrities, crazies, drugs, MillerTime, P-N-Dub, ridiculous absurdity
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