Monday, September 18, 2006
Fuck the Pittsburgh Stealers
You know what I hate more than getting my ass handed to me in my Fantasy league two weeks in a row?
Getting this in the mail:
I received this because I bought a pair of Steelers panties on sale from NFLshop.com several years ago. Despite having bought a Seahawks jersey since then, for some reason the NFL thinks that my $7 underwear are a more accurate reflection of my fan status than the $90 official home Trufant jersey, and sent me this absolutely maddening catalog of Steelers Super Bowl XL Championship memorabilia. Seeing this montage of triumphing Steeler images wreathing a shining depiction of the Lombardi trophy makes my blood boil.
I used to like the Steelers. I liked the Bus and his goofy grin, I liked Bill Cowher and his perma-scowl, and I liked Hines Ward's friendly, cheerful smile. I liked the Terrible Towels, I liked the Steelers' blue collar logo and I liked Pittsburgh's working class hero mystique. I was even rooting for the Steelers to go to the Super Bowl during the playoffs last year. Be careful what you wish for.
I'm not the only one who liked the Steelers. Seemingly, so did the NFL referees officiating Super Bowl XL, because they GAVE THEM THE FUCKING SUPER BOWL!
Like, for example, this call, where Ben Roethlisberger allegedly scored a touchdown on a 1 yard quarterback sneak
The NFL rule book states that a touchdown occurs "When any part of the ball, legally in possession of a player inbounds, breaks the plane of the opponent’s goal line, provided it is not a touchback." Since Big Ben DID NOT CROSS THE PLANE, this is not a touchdown. However, that's not what the officials said. The ref ran over to spot the ball just short of the goal line, Roethlisberger moved the ball across despite being COMPLETELY down and, while halfway there, the ref changed his mind about spotting it and threw up his hands, declaring it a touchdown. Thank God we have instant replay to straighten this out! Oh wait...they still called this a touchdown despite indisputable footage that says it wasn't, which furthers my theory that when the head referee sticks his head into that video thing, they actually just watch either porn or reruns of "Coach" rather than footage of the play under review.
Making this worse was the fact that the officials invented a holding penalty against the Seahawks, thus negating a Matt Hasselbeck completion which would have put the 'Hawks squarely in the Red Zone at 1st and Goal. This happened not once, but twice. In the fourth quarter, Hasselbeck completed a pass to Jerramy Stevens which would have placed the ball at the Steelers' one yard line, except the NFL officials again stole it from us with a phantom holding call.
This didn't just happen on plays that would have put the Seahawks in a position to score TDs. This also happened on a touchdown play itself, when the officials called another highly questionable offensive pass interference penalty on Darrell Jackson in the end zone. The game commentators were astounded, since it was obvious that calling him for pushing off was a real stretch. I see more blatant examples of pushing off not called every Sunday. So the NFL officials robbed us of two scoring opportunities as well as a touchdown outright.
I've heard a lot of people say things like, "Well, if the Seahawks played better, it wouldn't have mattered." I'll grant that the 'Hawks did make a few mistakes in the game, most notably allowing Willie Parker to make that 70+ yard touchdown run. However, it DID matter, because every time Seattle's offense showed the slightest sign of momentum, the officials stripped that away with their bullshit fictional penalties.
People might wonder why the NFL would want the Steelers to win. That's simple. Everyone loved the story about Jerome Bettis retiring after playing the Super Bowl in his hometown, and Bill Cowher's longtime thirst for a Super Bowl victory, and the Steelers' legacy in general. I think the NFL simply decided that a Steelers victory would be much more profitable for the team and the league than would a Seahawks victory. More people would buy commemorative videos, and Bettis jerseys, and crappy shit like Steelers imitation Tiffany lamps:
This is why the Steelers were allowed to walk away with the Lombardi trophy without earning it through fairness and superior football play. They stole it with the help of their official accomplices. From now on, I'm calling them the Pittsburgh Stealers, and I've downgraded my Pittsburgh panties to period underwear status: only worth wearing if the possibility exists that I might menstruate all over them.
I hate the Stealers and I hope that Jacksonville destroys them. I wish Roethlisberger had another appendix to rupture. I wish that Willie Parker would suffer a knee blowout or some other season and/or career-ending injury. I wish that someone would sneak up on Troy Polamalu and cut off his hair, thus robbing him of his power. I wish that something would happen to Hines Ward that is so bad he never wants to smile charmingly again. Fuck the Stealers. Maybe I'm being childish about this, but you know what? This child has the right idea:
Because I need to share my righteous anger with the world, I also posted this on my regular RazzyBlog
Getting this in the mail:
I received this because I bought a pair of Steelers panties on sale from NFLshop.com several years ago. Despite having bought a Seahawks jersey since then, for some reason the NFL thinks that my $7 underwear are a more accurate reflection of my fan status than the $90 official home Trufant jersey, and sent me this absolutely maddening catalog of Steelers Super Bowl XL Championship memorabilia. Seeing this montage of triumphing Steeler images wreathing a shining depiction of the Lombardi trophy makes my blood boil.
I used to like the Steelers. I liked the Bus and his goofy grin, I liked Bill Cowher and his perma-scowl, and I liked Hines Ward's friendly, cheerful smile. I liked the Terrible Towels, I liked the Steelers' blue collar logo and I liked Pittsburgh's working class hero mystique. I was even rooting for the Steelers to go to the Super Bowl during the playoffs last year. Be careful what you wish for.
I'm not the only one who liked the Steelers. Seemingly, so did the NFL referees officiating Super Bowl XL, because they GAVE THEM THE FUCKING SUPER BOWL!
Like, for example, this call, where Ben Roethlisberger allegedly scored a touchdown on a 1 yard quarterback sneak
The NFL rule book states that a touchdown occurs "When any part of the ball, legally in possession of a player inbounds, breaks the plane of the opponent’s goal line, provided it is not a touchback." Since Big Ben DID NOT CROSS THE PLANE, this is not a touchdown. However, that's not what the officials said. The ref ran over to spot the ball just short of the goal line, Roethlisberger moved the ball across despite being COMPLETELY down and, while halfway there, the ref changed his mind about spotting it and threw up his hands, declaring it a touchdown. Thank God we have instant replay to straighten this out! Oh wait...they still called this a touchdown despite indisputable footage that says it wasn't, which furthers my theory that when the head referee sticks his head into that video thing, they actually just watch either porn or reruns of "Coach" rather than footage of the play under review.
Making this worse was the fact that the officials invented a holding penalty against the Seahawks, thus negating a Matt Hasselbeck completion which would have put the 'Hawks squarely in the Red Zone at 1st and Goal. This happened not once, but twice. In the fourth quarter, Hasselbeck completed a pass to Jerramy Stevens which would have placed the ball at the Steelers' one yard line, except the NFL officials again stole it from us with a phantom holding call.
This didn't just happen on plays that would have put the Seahawks in a position to score TDs. This also happened on a touchdown play itself, when the officials called another highly questionable offensive pass interference penalty on Darrell Jackson in the end zone. The game commentators were astounded, since it was obvious that calling him for pushing off was a real stretch. I see more blatant examples of pushing off not called every Sunday. So the NFL officials robbed us of two scoring opportunities as well as a touchdown outright.
I've heard a lot of people say things like, "Well, if the Seahawks played better, it wouldn't have mattered." I'll grant that the 'Hawks did make a few mistakes in the game, most notably allowing Willie Parker to make that 70+ yard touchdown run. However, it DID matter, because every time Seattle's offense showed the slightest sign of momentum, the officials stripped that away with their bullshit fictional penalties.
People might wonder why the NFL would want the Steelers to win. That's simple. Everyone loved the story about Jerome Bettis retiring after playing the Super Bowl in his hometown, and Bill Cowher's longtime thirst for a Super Bowl victory, and the Steelers' legacy in general. I think the NFL simply decided that a Steelers victory would be much more profitable for the team and the league than would a Seahawks victory. More people would buy commemorative videos, and Bettis jerseys, and crappy shit like Steelers imitation Tiffany lamps:
This is why the Steelers were allowed to walk away with the Lombardi trophy without earning it through fairness and superior football play. They stole it with the help of their official accomplices. From now on, I'm calling them the Pittsburgh Stealers, and I've downgraded my Pittsburgh panties to period underwear status: only worth wearing if the possibility exists that I might menstruate all over them.
I hate the Stealers and I hope that Jacksonville destroys them. I wish Roethlisberger had another appendix to rupture. I wish that Willie Parker would suffer a knee blowout or some other season and/or career-ending injury. I wish that someone would sneak up on Troy Polamalu and cut off his hair, thus robbing him of his power. I wish that something would happen to Hines Ward that is so bad he never wants to smile charmingly again. Fuck the Stealers. Maybe I'm being childish about this, but you know what? This child has the right idea:
Because I need to share my righteous anger with the world, I also posted this on my regular RazzyBlog
Monday, September 11, 2006
Happy 9/11, Everybody!
Even though it's the first Monday Night Football of the season, a joyous occasion which warrants celebration, the halftime show of the Redskins-Vikings game has yet another damn 9/11 montage. I'm fucking SICK of the pictures of the planes flying into the tower followed by a voiceover of a radio announcer saying something "Reports are coming in that Flight 93 has crash landed near Shanksville, Pennsylvania." I know it's the fifth anniversary of 9/11, but COME ON! I've been seeing "9/11: Five Years Later" headlines all day. I woke up this morning to a delightful three hours worth of WTC victims' names being read, then saw CNN devote its entire home page to 9/11 memorial coverage. THAT SUCKS!
Like most Americans, I was appalled and upset by the events of September 11th, 2001. However, living in New York City, I hear about 9/11 ALL THE FUCKING TIME. Not a day goes by that it's not part of the news, whether it be rich people (Bloomberg vs. Silverstein, WTC lease holder) arguing about who is going to pay for the memorial/Freedom Tower being built at Ground Zero or a report on the myriad diseases that responders and residents of lower Manhattan are now suffering from breathing deadly asbestos-laden particulate Twin Tower dust. I see 9/11 memorial donation solicitation ads on the subway, and read the papers' constant speculation about when the next imminent terrorist attack on New York City will occur. For the past three months, I've seen nothing but shows analyzing 9/11 on everything from "Dateline" to the Discovery Channel. I get a daily dose of 9/11, and whether it's depressing news, scary predictions, or elected officials exploiting it for political leverage, I'm frankly sick of hearing it all the time.
I know that the five year anniversary seems like an important milestone, and I have no problem with reflecting in grief. I understand that our entire nation reeled from the shock, horror, and tragedy of that terrible day, and mourning is important for all Americans in terms of coping. However, there is just NO reason to see a bunch of NFL players giving their two cents about it. It's touching that Brad Johnson and Antwaan Randle El were profoundly affected, but that's not what all my rowdy friends here on Monday night want to hear about. I never thought I'd fondly reminisce about the interview with Jamie Foxx about whether or not Tom Cruise was crazy and how great he was in Any Given Sunday conducted by eager sycophant Joe Theismann during the second quarter. Monday Night Football is about the crazy costumes that Clinton Portis wears to press conferences, funny beer commercials, and Hank Williams, Jr., NOT 9/11. There is no place for overly sentimental and sad 9/11 clips on ESPN during Monday Night fucking Football. ESPN is for sports, not memorials that were already done with a much higher budget by virtually every other network trying to capitalize on the prevalent "Let's remember 9/11" theme in the media. The Cartoon Network understands this. They know that people watch their channel to catch "X-Men" reruns and Adult Swim, not hear about anything that's not a cartoon. ESPN needs to take a lesson from the Cartoon Network and get back to uninformative Michelle Tafoya sideline interviews.
That aside, Santana Moss needs to catch at least one touchdown in the second half if I can even vaguely hope that I might beat my fantasy opponent this week. Even if Moss tears it up a little, I still need LaMont Jordan to have an impossibly monster performance in the Chargers-Raiders game after this. Since the Chargers have one of the best rushing defenses in the NFL, I'm concerned that Jordan is not going to get the 150 yards and three TDs I need in order to make up a 45-point deficit in this week's game versus the Tight Ends. Fuck. He needs to have the best 9/11 of his life.
This entry has also been posted to my regular RazzyBlog.
Like most Americans, I was appalled and upset by the events of September 11th, 2001. However, living in New York City, I hear about 9/11 ALL THE FUCKING TIME. Not a day goes by that it's not part of the news, whether it be rich people (Bloomberg vs. Silverstein, WTC lease holder) arguing about who is going to pay for the memorial/Freedom Tower being built at Ground Zero or a report on the myriad diseases that responders and residents of lower Manhattan are now suffering from breathing deadly asbestos-laden particulate Twin Tower dust. I see 9/11 memorial donation solicitation ads on the subway, and read the papers' constant speculation about when the next imminent terrorist attack on New York City will occur. For the past three months, I've seen nothing but shows analyzing 9/11 on everything from "Dateline" to the Discovery Channel. I get a daily dose of 9/11, and whether it's depressing news, scary predictions, or elected officials exploiting it for political leverage, I'm frankly sick of hearing it all the time.
I know that the five year anniversary seems like an important milestone, and I have no problem with reflecting in grief. I understand that our entire nation reeled from the shock, horror, and tragedy of that terrible day, and mourning is important for all Americans in terms of coping. However, there is just NO reason to see a bunch of NFL players giving their two cents about it. It's touching that Brad Johnson and Antwaan Randle El were profoundly affected, but that's not what all my rowdy friends here on Monday night want to hear about. I never thought I'd fondly reminisce about the interview with Jamie Foxx about whether or not Tom Cruise was crazy and how great he was in Any Given Sunday conducted by eager sycophant Joe Theismann during the second quarter. Monday Night Football is about the crazy costumes that Clinton Portis wears to press conferences, funny beer commercials, and Hank Williams, Jr., NOT 9/11. There is no place for overly sentimental and sad 9/11 clips on ESPN during Monday Night fucking Football. ESPN is for sports, not memorials that were already done with a much higher budget by virtually every other network trying to capitalize on the prevalent "Let's remember 9/11" theme in the media. The Cartoon Network understands this. They know that people watch their channel to catch "X-Men" reruns and Adult Swim, not hear about anything that's not a cartoon. ESPN needs to take a lesson from the Cartoon Network and get back to uninformative Michelle Tafoya sideline interviews.
That aside, Santana Moss needs to catch at least one touchdown in the second half if I can even vaguely hope that I might beat my fantasy opponent this week. Even if Moss tears it up a little, I still need LaMont Jordan to have an impossibly monster performance in the Chargers-Raiders game after this. Since the Chargers have one of the best rushing defenses in the NFL, I'm concerned that Jordan is not going to get the 150 yards and three TDs I need in order to make up a 45-point deficit in this week's game versus the Tight Ends. Fuck. He needs to have the best 9/11 of his life.
This entry has also been posted to my regular RazzyBlog.
Sunday, September 10, 2006
When I looked at my calendar, it was 9/10...
Tom Coughlin needs to lose the FDNY cap. It's the "Manning Bowl", not 9/11 rehash. While I appreciate the sentiment, I HATE every time they pan the camera to him and he's talking behind his laminated sheet of plays into his field mic and the only thing visible is his FDNY hat. I love New York's bravest (soooooo hot!), but when Al Michaels says, "He's wearing the FDNY cap in honor of tomorrow being 9/11...and Dominic Rhodes goes nowhere on 2nd down and 9," I'm NOT THINKING ABOUT 9/11 BEING TOMORROW, DUDE! If I wanted to get all ready for 9/11, I'd watch that shitty ABC movie that is two hours of, as my mom put it, "watching Madeline Albright slam down the phone repeatedly." I don't want to hear about 9/11. I want to hear John Madden analyze the intricacies of Peyton Manning tapping Jeff Saturday's hip. I want to hear Madden say things like, "I've been hearing people say Peyton Manning can't run, well that's darn near a Peyton Manning sprint out there...that's a big play." I want to watch the Colts destroy the Giants, preferably without letting the Giants score much so as to maximize my Fantasy score. So lose the FDNY hat, Coughlin!
Thursday, September 07, 2006
Oh, I am SO ready for some football
I've been intending to write a report on how the Columbia Ballers draft went, but tonight's the first night I've had the opportunity. I'm settled into my comfy clothes, nursing a frosty cold Heineken, and ready to watch the kickoff of the FIRST GAME OF THE SEASON! Although I have no fantasy interest in tonight's game, I certainly have a personal interest in watching the (lying, cheating, low-down, dirty) Steelers get their asses handed to them, and I couldn't be more excited! Especially considering that, on account of Ben Roethlisberger's pussy appendix, CHARLIE FUCKING BATCH is starting for them at QB. Despite NFL officials' ability to invent touchdowns that didn't happen and conveniently ignore numerous obvious penalties, I don't think they'll be able to ignore repeated fumbles and numerous interceptions.
However, to keep you all abreast of my fantasy situation this year, allow me to wax poetic about this year's Razzies who are BETTER THAN EVER! This year, if I happen to face the (unbelievably lucky) defending league champ the G Cats in Columbia Ballers Bowl IV, I will DESTROY them and not rely on Todd fucking Heap to crank out 3 more measly points.
See for yourself...the Razzies RULE:
QB-Carson Palmer
So I ended up going 8th in the draft, thus missing out on all the premiere running backs I'd initially planned on drafting. L.T.? Gone. Shaun Alexander (even though he's a CRAZY fundamentalist Christian who goes on "The 700 Club" on the regs)? Gone. Larry Johnson? Rudi Johnson? Gone and gone. So I decided to pick a quarterback first, even though I swore I'd never do this again after the choosing-Kurt Warner-when-I-got-to-pick-first-in-the-draft debacle of 6 years ago. Motherfucker broke his damn thumb in the second game, and spent the rest of the season on the bench letting his frightening wife terrorize him with her French manicured acrylic talons. However, since I was only going to end up with some average, okay RBs anyway, I figured I might as well get me a marquis QB. Fortunately, Peyton Manning was already snapped up by Multiple Scorgasm's autopilot, so I didn't have to deal with what would have been a brutal internal battle weighing my hatred of all things Manning with my unbridled lust for 3 TDs and 300+ passing yards per game. Therefore, I took Carson Palmer, who according to the fantasy analysts at NFL.com is "capable of putting up Manningesque numbers if he can stay healthy." Why wouldn't he stay healthy, unless he takes another freak, ligament-ripping hit like the one that put him out of commission in the first place? Carson Palmer was so damned determined to recover from that injury (which was getting into Theismann leg break territory in terms of audible "ouch...ewww" factor) that in spite of it, he had a monster preseason. I know the preseason doesn't mean much, but four TDs in games where he had limited playing time is HOT, even if was against the opponents' second string defenses. Carson Palmer is going to lay waste to the AFC North this year, mark my words.
Also, since I am a girl, I had a couple of silly personal reasons for picking Palmer. These are what sports pundits call "the intangibles." I used to fuck this guy named Carson and he actually looks a little like Carson Palmer. A little. Well, they're both white and tall and rugged-featured. Anyway, the first time I ever hooked up with him, I was so drunk that I actually threw up red wine all over him. Did he run away in disgust or horror? Cry? Get angry? Freak out? NO! He shrugged, said, "Let's take a shower!" and boned the hell out of me once we'd cleaned up and I'd brushed my teeth. That was the beginning of a beautiful booty call relationship that lasted FOUR YEARS. It's that kind of dedication that I look for in a fantasy quarterback, so I figure that Palmer's sharing a first name with my old trooper of a late night sure thing is an excellent portent. Also, since DICKUNICORN is a Bengals fan, and he's the King Turd of Shit-Talk Mountain, I was psyched to snag his hometown boy out from under his nose. He went right after me in the draft, and you should have seen the look of profound sadness in his face when he realized he missed out on Palmer by such a close margin. It was awesome.
RB-DeShaun Foster
Like I said, my RBs aren't top-tier, but I think that Foster will have a good year. I know that he's struggled with his injury problems in the past, but he's looking to prove that he can stay healthy, and that's always a good thing. Besides, I think he kind of looks like a genie, with his asymmetrical earring wearing and his slightly long on the bottom goatee. I just hope he's a little less like the genie from Aladdin (hapless, overly emotional, and accommodating) and more like the genie from Wishmaster (evil, merciless, and intent on apocalyptic destruction). This season, not a single one of his body parts will get in his way of leading the league in rushing yards. Okay, so that's probably a stretch, but he will get at least 1,000 yards. I hope.
RB-LaMont Jordan
As much as I'm loath to have any Oakland Raiders on my team, I felt that getting Jordan in the second round was a draft bargain. This dude is a bruiser, and he has good hands to match. Last year he led the league in receptions by a RB, so even though he's not LaDainian, I'll take LaMont.
WR-Torry Holt
Torry Holt is the best fantasy wide receiver in the National Football League. I don't care what people say about the "talent" of Randy Moss or Terrell Owens. Torry Holt catches passes, scores touchdowns, and doesn't spend all day bitching, complaining, and otherwise crying like a Smith girl who just discovered injustice. He kicks ass.
WR-Santana Moss
I'm a little suspicious of Santana's ability to put up badass numbers, as I had him a couple years ago when he played for the Jets, and he was a big disappointment. However, despite the fact that this could well be the season that they send old Mark Brunell off to the glue factory (release his ass) and thus completely fuck up the Nation's Capitol Native Americans' passing offense, I have hope that this will be a good year for Moss. Besides, he's totally hot, and doesn't his name make him sound like a porn star? Santana Moss. Sooooooo sexy sounding!
TE-Jeremy Shockey
As an homage to my Puyallup redneck roots, I was pleased to select Shockey over Tony Gonzalez, and all the other tight ends whose names aren't Antonio Gates (he was already taken). First off, Gonzalez is old, and I think this is the season that will be the one where he suffers that pivotal injury which marks the decline and fall of his NFL career. Second, Shockey is an AWESOME fantasy tight end because he's always an option in the end zone. I also just love it when Shockey has a temper tantrum, cusses someone out, or assaults children. Those are all "intangibles" highly valued by the Razzies, and I'm not letting his lack of mullet fool me. This dude is so PWT that if he didn't make a multimillion dollar salary I KNOW he'd be rolling in an IROC-Z with a T-top. I *love* him. Besides, I wanted to leave Alge Crumpler available so that Js and Ps could plaintively call "Throw it to Alge!" every Sunday at the Josie Woods television screens (although tragically, he missed out on Alge anyway).
K-John Kasay
Sadly, I didn't manage to get my good luck charm, Neil Rackers, who literally singlehandedly saved my fantasy season last year. I picked him up while he was languishing in the free agent pool, because Matt Stover missed two field goals in the first game last year and actually cost me points, thus incurring my anger. I raged that a kicker should NEVER cost me points. That's just inexcusable. So I grabbed Rackers and the next week, I won a game in which my other players performed tepid-to-badly, but Rackers kicked SIX FUCKING FIELD GOALS (2 were roughly 50-yarders) and scored me 30 points! My QB didn't do as well that week. Anyway, as much as I loved Neil Rackers for his monumental achievements, I couldn't justify taking a kicker any sooner than the 12th round. So Rackers went first out of all the kickers, and I snagged Kasay. Whatever, he's a kicker. And he usually doesn't miss, so hopefully he won't induce a Matt Stover-level thirst for vengeance and punishments when he's trying for an easy 30-yarder.
D/ST-Indianapolis Colts
Two words: Tony Dungy. As much as I hate the Colts, I have to give Dungy credit for taking a team that was basically the equivalent of the Chiefs in terms of an awesome, dynamic, high-scoring offense not being able to compensate for a pathetically piss-poor defense and doing the same thing he did with the Buccaneers. Dungy has turned it around to Bucs-with-Warren Sapp-and-Derrick Brooks-winning-the-Super-Bowl level, and last year I was able to tolerate the Colts D/ST while they took the Razzies to the Columbia Ballers Super Bowl III. So I was okay with taking the Colts D again this year.
I'd continue discussing my obvious future dominance for pages and pages, but I see that at this point, Pittsburgh is disturbingly ahead by a touchdown, so I need to concentrate on this game. Specifically, I need to focus on psychically sending waves of ill will through the television aimed at the Steelers, and not on overconfident blogging. Thus all my faculties are needed elsewhere. However, I'd like to part with one final thought:
Are the Razzies going to annihilate you, or what?!
However, to keep you all abreast of my fantasy situation this year, allow me to wax poetic about this year's Razzies who are BETTER THAN EVER! This year, if I happen to face the (unbelievably lucky) defending league champ the G Cats in Columbia Ballers Bowl IV, I will DESTROY them and not rely on Todd fucking Heap to crank out 3 more measly points.
See for yourself...the Razzies RULE:
QB-Carson Palmer
So I ended up going 8th in the draft, thus missing out on all the premiere running backs I'd initially planned on drafting. L.T.? Gone. Shaun Alexander (even though he's a CRAZY fundamentalist Christian who goes on "The 700 Club" on the regs)? Gone. Larry Johnson? Rudi Johnson? Gone and gone. So I decided to pick a quarterback first, even though I swore I'd never do this again after the choosing-Kurt Warner-when-I-got-to-pick-first-in-the-draft debacle of 6 years ago. Motherfucker broke his damn thumb in the second game, and spent the rest of the season on the bench letting his frightening wife terrorize him with her French manicured acrylic talons. However, since I was only going to end up with some average, okay RBs anyway, I figured I might as well get me a marquis QB. Fortunately, Peyton Manning was already snapped up by Multiple Scorgasm's autopilot, so I didn't have to deal with what would have been a brutal internal battle weighing my hatred of all things Manning with my unbridled lust for 3 TDs and 300+ passing yards per game. Therefore, I took Carson Palmer, who according to the fantasy analysts at NFL.com is "capable of putting up Manningesque numbers if he can stay healthy." Why wouldn't he stay healthy, unless he takes another freak, ligament-ripping hit like the one that put him out of commission in the first place? Carson Palmer was so damned determined to recover from that injury (which was getting into Theismann leg break territory in terms of audible "ouch...ewww" factor) that in spite of it, he had a monster preseason. I know the preseason doesn't mean much, but four TDs in games where he had limited playing time is HOT, even if was against the opponents' second string defenses. Carson Palmer is going to lay waste to the AFC North this year, mark my words.
Also, since I am a girl, I had a couple of silly personal reasons for picking Palmer. These are what sports pundits call "the intangibles." I used to fuck this guy named Carson and he actually looks a little like Carson Palmer. A little. Well, they're both white and tall and rugged-featured. Anyway, the first time I ever hooked up with him, I was so drunk that I actually threw up red wine all over him. Did he run away in disgust or horror? Cry? Get angry? Freak out? NO! He shrugged, said, "Let's take a shower!" and boned the hell out of me once we'd cleaned up and I'd brushed my teeth. That was the beginning of a beautiful booty call relationship that lasted FOUR YEARS. It's that kind of dedication that I look for in a fantasy quarterback, so I figure that Palmer's sharing a first name with my old trooper of a late night sure thing is an excellent portent. Also, since DICKUNICORN is a Bengals fan, and he's the King Turd of Shit-Talk Mountain, I was psyched to snag his hometown boy out from under his nose. He went right after me in the draft, and you should have seen the look of profound sadness in his face when he realized he missed out on Palmer by such a close margin. It was awesome.
RB-DeShaun Foster
Like I said, my RBs aren't top-tier, but I think that Foster will have a good year. I know that he's struggled with his injury problems in the past, but he's looking to prove that he can stay healthy, and that's always a good thing. Besides, I think he kind of looks like a genie, with his asymmetrical earring wearing and his slightly long on the bottom goatee. I just hope he's a little less like the genie from Aladdin (hapless, overly emotional, and accommodating) and more like the genie from Wishmaster (evil, merciless, and intent on apocalyptic destruction). This season, not a single one of his body parts will get in his way of leading the league in rushing yards. Okay, so that's probably a stretch, but he will get at least 1,000 yards. I hope.
RB-LaMont Jordan
As much as I'm loath to have any Oakland Raiders on my team, I felt that getting Jordan in the second round was a draft bargain. This dude is a bruiser, and he has good hands to match. Last year he led the league in receptions by a RB, so even though he's not LaDainian, I'll take LaMont.
WR-Torry Holt
Torry Holt is the best fantasy wide receiver in the National Football League. I don't care what people say about the "talent" of Randy Moss or Terrell Owens. Torry Holt catches passes, scores touchdowns, and doesn't spend all day bitching, complaining, and otherwise crying like a Smith girl who just discovered injustice. He kicks ass.
WR-Santana Moss
I'm a little suspicious of Santana's ability to put up badass numbers, as I had him a couple years ago when he played for the Jets, and he was a big disappointment. However, despite the fact that this could well be the season that they send old Mark Brunell off to the glue factory (release his ass) and thus completely fuck up the Nation's Capitol Native Americans' passing offense, I have hope that this will be a good year for Moss. Besides, he's totally hot, and doesn't his name make him sound like a porn star? Santana Moss. Sooooooo sexy sounding!
TE-Jeremy Shockey
As an homage to my Puyallup redneck roots, I was pleased to select Shockey over Tony Gonzalez, and all the other tight ends whose names aren't Antonio Gates (he was already taken). First off, Gonzalez is old, and I think this is the season that will be the one where he suffers that pivotal injury which marks the decline and fall of his NFL career. Second, Shockey is an AWESOME fantasy tight end because he's always an option in the end zone. I also just love it when Shockey has a temper tantrum, cusses someone out, or assaults children. Those are all "intangibles" highly valued by the Razzies, and I'm not letting his lack of mullet fool me. This dude is so PWT that if he didn't make a multimillion dollar salary I KNOW he'd be rolling in an IROC-Z with a T-top. I *love* him. Besides, I wanted to leave Alge Crumpler available so that Js and Ps could plaintively call "Throw it to Alge!" every Sunday at the Josie Woods television screens (although tragically, he missed out on Alge anyway).
K-John Kasay
Sadly, I didn't manage to get my good luck charm, Neil Rackers, who literally singlehandedly saved my fantasy season last year. I picked him up while he was languishing in the free agent pool, because Matt Stover missed two field goals in the first game last year and actually cost me points, thus incurring my anger. I raged that a kicker should NEVER cost me points. That's just inexcusable. So I grabbed Rackers and the next week, I won a game in which my other players performed tepid-to-badly, but Rackers kicked SIX FUCKING FIELD GOALS (2 were roughly 50-yarders) and scored me 30 points! My QB didn't do as well that week. Anyway, as much as I loved Neil Rackers for his monumental achievements, I couldn't justify taking a kicker any sooner than the 12th round. So Rackers went first out of all the kickers, and I snagged Kasay. Whatever, he's a kicker. And he usually doesn't miss, so hopefully he won't induce a Matt Stover-level thirst for vengeance and punishments when he's trying for an easy 30-yarder.
D/ST-Indianapolis Colts
Two words: Tony Dungy. As much as I hate the Colts, I have to give Dungy credit for taking a team that was basically the equivalent of the Chiefs in terms of an awesome, dynamic, high-scoring offense not being able to compensate for a pathetically piss-poor defense and doing the same thing he did with the Buccaneers. Dungy has turned it around to Bucs-with-Warren Sapp-and-Derrick Brooks-winning-the-Super-Bowl level, and last year I was able to tolerate the Colts D/ST while they took the Razzies to the Columbia Ballers Super Bowl III. So I was okay with taking the Colts D again this year.
I'd continue discussing my obvious future dominance for pages and pages, but I see that at this point, Pittsburgh is disturbingly ahead by a touchdown, so I need to concentrate on this game. Specifically, I need to focus on psychically sending waves of ill will through the television aimed at the Steelers, and not on overconfident blogging. Thus all my faculties are needed elsewhere. However, I'd like to part with one final thought:
Are the Razzies going to annihilate you, or what?!
Saturday, August 26, 2006
So very, very happy
After suffering through 8 months of indignity following the loss excruciating unlubricated anal rape of the Seattle Seahawks by NFL officials in Super Bowl XL, I've managed to recover, cope with what will likely be a lifelong grudge against the Steelers, and mentally prepare myself for another season of the greatest sport ever created: FOOTBALL, and I don't mean soccer. As usual, I'm preparing to do to the Columbia Ballers fantasy league what Genghis Khan did to northern China, Persia, and eastern Europe: kick some ass and universally rule. Prepare yourselves, bitches...it's RAZZIES TIME!!!
