Thursday, September 07, 2006
Oh, I am SO ready for some football
I've been intending to write a report on how the Columbia Ballers draft went, but tonight's the first night I've had the opportunity. I'm settled into my comfy clothes, nursing a frosty cold Heineken, and ready to watch the kickoff of the FIRST GAME OF THE SEASON! Although I have no fantasy interest in tonight's game, I certainly have a personal interest in watching the (lying, cheating, low-down, dirty) Steelers get their asses handed to them, and I couldn't be more excited! Especially considering that, on account of Ben Roethlisberger's pussy appendix, CHARLIE FUCKING BATCH is starting for them at QB. Despite NFL officials' ability to invent touchdowns that didn't happen and conveniently ignore numerous obvious penalties, I don't think they'll be able to ignore repeated fumbles and numerous interceptions.
However, to keep you all abreast of my fantasy situation this year, allow me to wax poetic about this year's Razzies who are BETTER THAN EVER! This year, if I happen to face the (unbelievably lucky) defending league champ the G Cats in Columbia Ballers Bowl IV, I will DESTROY them and not rely on Todd fucking Heap to crank out 3 more measly points.
See for yourself...the Razzies RULE:
QB-Carson Palmer
So I ended up going 8th in the draft, thus missing out on all the premiere running backs I'd initially planned on drafting. L.T.? Gone. Shaun Alexander (even though he's a CRAZY fundamentalist Christian who goes on "The 700 Club" on the regs)? Gone. Larry Johnson? Rudi Johnson? Gone and gone. So I decided to pick a quarterback first, even though I swore I'd never do this again after the choosing-Kurt Warner-when-I-got-to-pick-first-in-the-draft debacle of 6 years ago. Motherfucker broke his damn thumb in the second game, and spent the rest of the season on the bench letting his frightening wife terrorize him with her French manicured acrylic talons. However, since I was only going to end up with some average, okay RBs anyway, I figured I might as well get me a marquis QB. Fortunately, Peyton Manning was already snapped up by Multiple Scorgasm's autopilot, so I didn't have to deal with what would have been a brutal internal battle weighing my hatred of all things Manning with my unbridled lust for 3 TDs and 300+ passing yards per game. Therefore, I took Carson Palmer, who according to the fantasy analysts at NFL.com is "capable of putting up Manningesque numbers if he can stay healthy." Why wouldn't he stay healthy, unless he takes another freak, ligament-ripping hit like the one that put him out of commission in the first place? Carson Palmer was so damned determined to recover from that injury (which was getting into Theismann leg break territory in terms of audible "ouch...ewww" factor) that in spite of it, he had a monster preseason. I know the preseason doesn't mean much, but four TDs in games where he had limited playing time is HOT, even if was against the opponents' second string defenses. Carson Palmer is going to lay waste to the AFC North this year, mark my words.
Also, since I am a girl, I had a couple of silly personal reasons for picking Palmer. These are what sports pundits call "the intangibles." I used to fuck this guy named Carson and he actually looks a little like Carson Palmer. A little. Well, they're both white and tall and rugged-featured. Anyway, the first time I ever hooked up with him, I was so drunk that I actually threw up red wine all over him. Did he run away in disgust or horror? Cry? Get angry? Freak out? NO! He shrugged, said, "Let's take a shower!" and boned the hell out of me once we'd cleaned up and I'd brushed my teeth. That was the beginning of a beautiful booty call relationship that lasted FOUR YEARS. It's that kind of dedication that I look for in a fantasy quarterback, so I figure that Palmer's sharing a first name with my old trooper of a late night sure thing is an excellent portent. Also, since DICKUNICORN is a Bengals fan, and he's the King Turd of Shit-Talk Mountain, I was psyched to snag his hometown boy out from under his nose. He went right after me in the draft, and you should have seen the look of profound sadness in his face when he realized he missed out on Palmer by such a close margin. It was awesome.
RB-DeShaun Foster
Like I said, my RBs aren't top-tier, but I think that Foster will have a good year. I know that he's struggled with his injury problems in the past, but he's looking to prove that he can stay healthy, and that's always a good thing. Besides, I think he kind of looks like a genie, with his asymmetrical earring wearing and his slightly long on the bottom goatee. I just hope he's a little less like the genie from Aladdin (hapless, overly emotional, and accommodating) and more like the genie from Wishmaster (evil, merciless, and intent on apocalyptic destruction). This season, not a single one of his body parts will get in his way of leading the league in rushing yards. Okay, so that's probably a stretch, but he will get at least 1,000 yards. I hope.
RB-LaMont Jordan
As much as I'm loath to have any Oakland Raiders on my team, I felt that getting Jordan in the second round was a draft bargain. This dude is a bruiser, and he has good hands to match. Last year he led the league in receptions by a RB, so even though he's not LaDainian, I'll take LaMont.
WR-Torry Holt
Torry Holt is the best fantasy wide receiver in the National Football League. I don't care what people say about the "talent" of Randy Moss or Terrell Owens. Torry Holt catches passes, scores touchdowns, and doesn't spend all day bitching, complaining, and otherwise crying like a Smith girl who just discovered injustice. He kicks ass.
WR-Santana Moss
I'm a little suspicious of Santana's ability to put up badass numbers, as I had him a couple years ago when he played for the Jets, and he was a big disappointment. However, despite the fact that this could well be the season that they send old Mark Brunell off to the glue factory (release his ass) and thus completely fuck up the Nation's Capitol Native Americans' passing offense, I have hope that this will be a good year for Moss. Besides, he's totally hot, and doesn't his name make him sound like a porn star? Santana Moss. Sooooooo sexy sounding!
TE-Jeremy Shockey
As an homage to my Puyallup redneck roots, I was pleased to select Shockey over Tony Gonzalez, and all the other tight ends whose names aren't Antonio Gates (he was already taken). First off, Gonzalez is old, and I think this is the season that will be the one where he suffers that pivotal injury which marks the decline and fall of his NFL career. Second, Shockey is an AWESOME fantasy tight end because he's always an option in the end zone. I also just love it when Shockey has a temper tantrum, cusses someone out, or assaults children. Those are all "intangibles" highly valued by the Razzies, and I'm not letting his lack of mullet fool me. This dude is so PWT that if he didn't make a multimillion dollar salary I KNOW he'd be rolling in an IROC-Z with a T-top. I *love* him. Besides, I wanted to leave Alge Crumpler available so that Js and Ps could plaintively call "Throw it to Alge!" every Sunday at the Josie Woods television screens (although tragically, he missed out on Alge anyway).
K-John Kasay
Sadly, I didn't manage to get my good luck charm, Neil Rackers, who literally singlehandedly saved my fantasy season last year. I picked him up while he was languishing in the free agent pool, because Matt Stover missed two field goals in the first game last year and actually cost me points, thus incurring my anger. I raged that a kicker should NEVER cost me points. That's just inexcusable. So I grabbed Rackers and the next week, I won a game in which my other players performed tepid-to-badly, but Rackers kicked SIX FUCKING FIELD GOALS (2 were roughly 50-yarders) and scored me 30 points! My QB didn't do as well that week. Anyway, as much as I loved Neil Rackers for his monumental achievements, I couldn't justify taking a kicker any sooner than the 12th round. So Rackers went first out of all the kickers, and I snagged Kasay. Whatever, he's a kicker. And he usually doesn't miss, so hopefully he won't induce a Matt Stover-level thirst for vengeance and punishments when he's trying for an easy 30-yarder.
D/ST-Indianapolis Colts
Two words: Tony Dungy. As much as I hate the Colts, I have to give Dungy credit for taking a team that was basically the equivalent of the Chiefs in terms of an awesome, dynamic, high-scoring offense not being able to compensate for a pathetically piss-poor defense and doing the same thing he did with the Buccaneers. Dungy has turned it around to Bucs-with-Warren Sapp-and-Derrick Brooks-winning-the-Super-Bowl level, and last year I was able to tolerate the Colts D/ST while they took the Razzies to the Columbia Ballers Super Bowl III. So I was okay with taking the Colts D again this year.
I'd continue discussing my obvious future dominance for pages and pages, but I see that at this point, Pittsburgh is disturbingly ahead by a touchdown, so I need to concentrate on this game. Specifically, I need to focus on psychically sending waves of ill will through the television aimed at the Steelers, and not on overconfident blogging. Thus all my faculties are needed elsewhere. However, I'd like to part with one final thought:
Are the Razzies going to annihilate you, or what?!
However, to keep you all abreast of my fantasy situation this year, allow me to wax poetic about this year's Razzies who are BETTER THAN EVER! This year, if I happen to face the (unbelievably lucky) defending league champ the G Cats in Columbia Ballers Bowl IV, I will DESTROY them and not rely on Todd fucking Heap to crank out 3 more measly points.
See for yourself...the Razzies RULE:
QB-Carson Palmer
So I ended up going 8th in the draft, thus missing out on all the premiere running backs I'd initially planned on drafting. L.T.? Gone. Shaun Alexander (even though he's a CRAZY fundamentalist Christian who goes on "The 700 Club" on the regs)? Gone. Larry Johnson? Rudi Johnson? Gone and gone. So I decided to pick a quarterback first, even though I swore I'd never do this again after the choosing-Kurt Warner-when-I-got-to-pick-first-in-the-draft debacle of 6 years ago. Motherfucker broke his damn thumb in the second game, and spent the rest of the season on the bench letting his frightening wife terrorize him with her French manicured acrylic talons. However, since I was only going to end up with some average, okay RBs anyway, I figured I might as well get me a marquis QB. Fortunately, Peyton Manning was already snapped up by Multiple Scorgasm's autopilot, so I didn't have to deal with what would have been a brutal internal battle weighing my hatred of all things Manning with my unbridled lust for 3 TDs and 300+ passing yards per game. Therefore, I took Carson Palmer, who according to the fantasy analysts at NFL.com is "capable of putting up Manningesque numbers if he can stay healthy." Why wouldn't he stay healthy, unless he takes another freak, ligament-ripping hit like the one that put him out of commission in the first place? Carson Palmer was so damned determined to recover from that injury (which was getting into Theismann leg break territory in terms of audible "ouch...ewww" factor) that in spite of it, he had a monster preseason. I know the preseason doesn't mean much, but four TDs in games where he had limited playing time is HOT, even if was against the opponents' second string defenses. Carson Palmer is going to lay waste to the AFC North this year, mark my words.
Also, since I am a girl, I had a couple of silly personal reasons for picking Palmer. These are what sports pundits call "the intangibles." I used to fuck this guy named Carson and he actually looks a little like Carson Palmer. A little. Well, they're both white and tall and rugged-featured. Anyway, the first time I ever hooked up with him, I was so drunk that I actually threw up red wine all over him. Did he run away in disgust or horror? Cry? Get angry? Freak out? NO! He shrugged, said, "Let's take a shower!" and boned the hell out of me once we'd cleaned up and I'd brushed my teeth. That was the beginning of a beautiful booty call relationship that lasted FOUR YEARS. It's that kind of dedication that I look for in a fantasy quarterback, so I figure that Palmer's sharing a first name with my old trooper of a late night sure thing is an excellent portent. Also, since DICKUNICORN is a Bengals fan, and he's the King Turd of Shit-Talk Mountain, I was psyched to snag his hometown boy out from under his nose. He went right after me in the draft, and you should have seen the look of profound sadness in his face when he realized he missed out on Palmer by such a close margin. It was awesome.
RB-DeShaun Foster
Like I said, my RBs aren't top-tier, but I think that Foster will have a good year. I know that he's struggled with his injury problems in the past, but he's looking to prove that he can stay healthy, and that's always a good thing. Besides, I think he kind of looks like a genie, with his asymmetrical earring wearing and his slightly long on the bottom goatee. I just hope he's a little less like the genie from Aladdin (hapless, overly emotional, and accommodating) and more like the genie from Wishmaster (evil, merciless, and intent on apocalyptic destruction). This season, not a single one of his body parts will get in his way of leading the league in rushing yards. Okay, so that's probably a stretch, but he will get at least 1,000 yards. I hope.
RB-LaMont Jordan
As much as I'm loath to have any Oakland Raiders on my team, I felt that getting Jordan in the second round was a draft bargain. This dude is a bruiser, and he has good hands to match. Last year he led the league in receptions by a RB, so even though he's not LaDainian, I'll take LaMont.
WR-Torry Holt
Torry Holt is the best fantasy wide receiver in the National Football League. I don't care what people say about the "talent" of Randy Moss or Terrell Owens. Torry Holt catches passes, scores touchdowns, and doesn't spend all day bitching, complaining, and otherwise crying like a Smith girl who just discovered injustice. He kicks ass.
WR-Santana Moss
I'm a little suspicious of Santana's ability to put up badass numbers, as I had him a couple years ago when he played for the Jets, and he was a big disappointment. However, despite the fact that this could well be the season that they send old Mark Brunell off to the glue factory (release his ass) and thus completely fuck up the Nation's Capitol Native Americans' passing offense, I have hope that this will be a good year for Moss. Besides, he's totally hot, and doesn't his name make him sound like a porn star? Santana Moss. Sooooooo sexy sounding!
TE-Jeremy Shockey
As an homage to my Puyallup redneck roots, I was pleased to select Shockey over Tony Gonzalez, and all the other tight ends whose names aren't Antonio Gates (he was already taken). First off, Gonzalez is old, and I think this is the season that will be the one where he suffers that pivotal injury which marks the decline and fall of his NFL career. Second, Shockey is an AWESOME fantasy tight end because he's always an option in the end zone. I also just love it when Shockey has a temper tantrum, cusses someone out, or assaults children. Those are all "intangibles" highly valued by the Razzies, and I'm not letting his lack of mullet fool me. This dude is so PWT that if he didn't make a multimillion dollar salary I KNOW he'd be rolling in an IROC-Z with a T-top. I *love* him. Besides, I wanted to leave Alge Crumpler available so that Js and Ps could plaintively call "Throw it to Alge!" every Sunday at the Josie Woods television screens (although tragically, he missed out on Alge anyway).
K-John Kasay
Sadly, I didn't manage to get my good luck charm, Neil Rackers, who literally singlehandedly saved my fantasy season last year. I picked him up while he was languishing in the free agent pool, because Matt Stover missed two field goals in the first game last year and actually cost me points, thus incurring my anger. I raged that a kicker should NEVER cost me points. That's just inexcusable. So I grabbed Rackers and the next week, I won a game in which my other players performed tepid-to-badly, but Rackers kicked SIX FUCKING FIELD GOALS (2 were roughly 50-yarders) and scored me 30 points! My QB didn't do as well that week. Anyway, as much as I loved Neil Rackers for his monumental achievements, I couldn't justify taking a kicker any sooner than the 12th round. So Rackers went first out of all the kickers, and I snagged Kasay. Whatever, he's a kicker. And he usually doesn't miss, so hopefully he won't induce a Matt Stover-level thirst for vengeance and punishments when he's trying for an easy 30-yarder.
D/ST-Indianapolis Colts
Two words: Tony Dungy. As much as I hate the Colts, I have to give Dungy credit for taking a team that was basically the equivalent of the Chiefs in terms of an awesome, dynamic, high-scoring offense not being able to compensate for a pathetically piss-poor defense and doing the same thing he did with the Buccaneers. Dungy has turned it around to Bucs-with-Warren Sapp-and-Derrick Brooks-winning-the-Super-Bowl level, and last year I was able to tolerate the Colts D/ST while they took the Razzies to the Columbia Ballers Super Bowl III. So I was okay with taking the Colts D again this year.
I'd continue discussing my obvious future dominance for pages and pages, but I see that at this point, Pittsburgh is disturbingly ahead by a touchdown, so I need to concentrate on this game. Specifically, I need to focus on psychically sending waves of ill will through the television aimed at the Steelers, and not on overconfident blogging. Thus all my faculties are needed elsewhere. However, I'd like to part with one final thought:
Are the Razzies going to annihilate you, or what?!
